Doctor Who the Musical season 3
by ACleverName
Summary: Picking up where season 2 left off, full of craziness, spoilers, jokes in poor taste, lots of music ... it's a general monstrosity.
1. Prologue

I.Prologue. The Runaway Bride. (_Les Miserables/Once Upon a Mattress/A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum/Phantom of the Opera_)

[_Curtain up_**. THE DOCTOR **_in the _TARDIS.

**THE DOCTOR. . . . **NOW AND THEN, WE BAWL A BIT IN THIS SHOW—

IT'S OVER NOW, THE SAGA THAT WAS ROSE!

[_Suddenly, _**DONNA **_the Bride appears._

**DONNA. **Oo are you?

**THE DOCTOR. **What?

**DONNA. **Was going on?

**THE DOCTOR. **What?

**DONNA. **Wot the 'ell is this place?!?!1

[_A chord from "Westminster Bridge" by Murray Gold (buy the album!)._

_Song. _**WHERE AM I? (WHO AM I?) **(Boubil/Schoenberg/Kretzmer)

**THE DOCTOR. **THAT'S PHYSIC'LY IMPOSS'BLE

(AND I'M PROGRAMMED TO SAY "WHAT"

AS MY EYES BULGE OUT QUIZICALLY—

**DONNA. **SPEAK SENSE, YOU BIG DUMB BUTT!

TELL ME WHERE I AM, OR—

**THE DOCTOR. **THE TARDIS, STUPID COW—

**DONNA. **INNIT EVEN A _PROPER _WORD,

'CAUSE MY HUMOR'S SO HIGHBROW!

**THE DOCTOR. **STOP SHRIEKING OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT—

**DONNA. **OOH, I'M SOOO SCARED!

**THE DOCTOR. **THAT I DON'T DOUBT!

[_He throws the _TARDIS _doors open. Space, in its vastness, gives _**DONNA **_a slight pause._

**DONNA. **'Ow am I still breathing?

**THE DOCTOR. **The TARDIS is protecting us.

**DONNA. **What kind of a lame excuse is that, DUMBO?!?!?! You didn't even _try _with that one!!!

[_She slaps him._

**THE DOCTOR. **Ow! It's not my fault!

[_He looks meaningfully upward and then punches her._

**DONNA. **Mary Whitehouse would have been appalled!

[_He closes the doors. Reeling from the punch, she staggers back and finds _**ROSE**_'s jacket on a TARDIS_ _ledge._

**DONNA. **WHERE AM I?

I'M STUCK IN THIS MADHOUSE WITH A PERVERT TOFF

WHO OBVIOUSLY STEALS GIRLS' CLOTHES TO JERK OFF!

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey!

**DONNA. **TAKE ME HOME NOW, CAN'T YOU SEE

I AM THE LOUDEST EVER BRIDE-TO-BE!

WHERE AM I?

**THE DOCTOR. **Let's throw you out, get you married, and move on!

**DONNA. **Who was your friend, you pervert and potential rapist?

**THE DOCTOR. **I . . . lost her.

**DONNA. **Maybe you just haven't looked hard enough! (_guffaws_)

**THE DOCTOR. **grrr

[_They land. He pushes her out the door._

**THE DOCTOR. **Chiswick. Get out. Wait, the plot depends on me following you.

[_She runs._

**THE DOCTOR. **Waaaaait! How could you be cold in the TARDIS but not here?

**DONNA. **Sod off. Ammana get me a cab, an' some money.

[_She runs off. He follows. It's Christmas. Carollers and shoppers line the streets of London. Or is it really . . ._

**CAROLLERS. **LIKE CARDIFF IN JULY . . .

_Song. _**SHY **(Rodgers/Barer)

**THE DOCTOR. **ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS GUY

YOU'RE MARRYING IS FOR REAL?

NOT SOME SURREAL

NUT JOB DEAL,

INTENT ON BETRAYAL?

[_She reaches for her pockets; she has none._

**THE DOCTOR. **INSTEAD OF MAKING POCKET QUIPS

YOU COULD MOSEY OFF FOR SOME CHIPS!

PLEASE DON'T START—

**DONNA. **SHY!!!!

[_Traffic grinds to a halt._

**DONNA. **I CONFESS IT,

I'M SHY!

THEY THINK THAT I'M

IN DRAG, A DRUNK SLOTH . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **THEN THEY'RE NOT FAR OFF . . .

**DONNA. . . .**'CAUSE I'M SHY!

Money? Innit? Go get some! Or I'll start shouting like Eddie2!

**THE DOCTOR. **I don't wanna.

**DONNA. **I'll punch you, in both hearts!

[_He scurries off._

**DONNA.** AND I CAN TELL BY YOUR SCOWLS

THAT THIS SHOP IS CALLED HOWELLS,

CARDIFF-BASED— [_she tries to flag down a taxi_ BYE, YOU CHEAP MARTIAN SUCKAH—

**PARODY WRITER. **I'M NOT GOING TO RHYME THAT!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_plugs his ears_) Oww. (_shouts after _**DONNA**Do you have an off switch?!

[_As _**THE DOCTOR **_struggles at an ATM, the _**ROBOT SANTAS **_appear as a Christmas-y waltz plays. _**DONNA **_begins dancing in the streets; lots of aerial crane shots. The _**ROBOT SANTAS **_provide an _aaaaaah _chorus in the background._

**DONNA. **I HATE CHRISTMAS TOO

GREAT CHARACTER TRAIT, NO?

AND I THINK PRINGLES ARE COOL!

[_She jumps into the cab._ GET ON DRIVIN', FOOL—

[_sees who's driving_

A ROBOT SANTA—D'OH!

I SHALL CRY, SCREAM, AND DROOL!

[_Throws a tantrum. The _Indiana Jones_ theme plays as _**THE DOCTOR **_chases the cab in the _TARDIS.

**FANS. **Oooh! Aaaaah!

**THE DOCTOR. **We had to put this in to keep people from reaching for the remote!

**DONNA. **(_shouts_) Wha?

**THE DOCTOR. **Just shut up and jump!

[**DONNA**_ leaps into the _TARDIS. _Kids in the SUV following the cab to one another; subtitles as they are only three years old._

**KID 1. **Curses, I thought she was going to get run over!

**KID 2.** Me too!

[**DONNA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_on the roof somewhere. Why? We don't know. He gives her his jacket._

**DONNA. **God, you're skinny! This wouldn't fit a rat!

**THE DOCTOR. **So? You're loud and obnoxious and ginger! Nyeh!

**DONNA. **Ffanks.

**THE DOCTOR. **GOD KNOWS I . . .

TRY!

**DONNA. **THOUGH I'M FRIGHTENED AND SHY

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LOWDOWN

YOU CAN JUDGE ME ON MY

INTELLIGENCE, SHREWDNESS, VOCABULARY

'CAUSE I FELL FOR THIS

GUY . . .

[_She whips out a framed picture of _**LANCE **_and covers it with kisses._

**THE DOCTOR. **I thought you said you didn't have pockets.

**DONNA. **Do I look like I'm bovvered?

**THE DOCTOR. **But you just said—

**DONNA. **Am I bovvered?

THOUGH I MAY NOT LOOK LIKE I'M DRIPPING WITH GLAMOUR

AS OFTEN AS NOT I'LL STUMBLE AND STAMMER

AN' I'M SUDDENLY CONFRONTED WITH ROMANCE

AT H C CLEMENTS 'E GETS ME COFFEE

LOCK-SHOP KING, AN' THERE'S ME—

**THE DOCTOR. **WITH A PAIR OF PANTS.

**DONNA. **AN' IN SIX MONTHS 'E'S ASKING TO WED

RIGHT AWAY

**THE DOCTOR. **(THIS WILL END BADLY, I DREAD)

**DONNA. **AND WELL, WOT CAN I SAY?

**THE DOCTOR. **AND SO THAT IS WHY,

SINCE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SHY,

I'M INSANE TO KNOW

WHO, MISS

WOULD MISS,

MISS YOU, MISS . . .

**DONNA. **MISS _WOO? _

WHAT, SIR, AND WHY, SIR? (_gestures to the _TARDIS)

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M NOT GETTING WISER . . .

[_She gets up and marches toward the _TARDIS)

**DONNA. **SO LET'S GET THIS DONE, MAN

GET ON WITH THE FUN, MAN

I AM ONE BRAIN . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **THE LADY IS ONE BRAIN . . .

**BOTH. **SHY!

[_He hands her a ring._

**THE DOCTOR. **With this ring, I thee biodamp.

[_She slaps him._

**DONNA. **This is gonna be so shamin'.

[_He looks her up and down._

**THE DOCTOR. **You're telling me.

[_They burst into the reception._

**DONNA. **They had the _RECEPTION _without me!!!!!!

[**THE DOCTOR **_punches her. _**DONNA **_starts crying and retreats into her parents' and _**LANCE**_'s arms._

_Song. _**COMEDY TONIGHT **(Sondheim)

**THE DOCTOR. **SOMETHING FAMILIAR,

SOMETHING PECULIAR,

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—

A COMEDY TONIGHT!

_(he picks up someone's mobile) _SOMETHING POST-MODERN,

(_he reads that Torchwood owns H C Clements_) SOMETHING RETARDED,

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—

COMEDY TONIGHT!

NOTHING WITH ROSE,

NOTHING WITH JACK,

WE'VE MENTIONED MY HEARTBREAK

SO MUCH I'VE LOST TRACK!

I PUT ON MY GLASSES (_he does so_)

GIRLS START MAKING PASSES . . .

[_Neil Hannon yodels in the background._

**THE DOCTOR. **MURRAY GOLD IS JAZZY AND CONTRITE:

SHAKESPEARE TOMORROW, COMEDY TONIGHT!

[_He studies the video of _**DONNA **_disappearing from the church._

**THE DOCTOR. **SOMETHING WITH HUON,

(THIS PLOT IS PART GLUED-ON)

[_He spots the _**SANTAS **_approaching._

**THE DOCTOR. **SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—

ROBOT SANTAS TONIGHT!

GET AWAY FROM THE TREES—

RTD IS PROFANE—

THESE THINGS CAN KILL

AND I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN . . .

[_Chaos all around as the Christmas trees explode._

**THE DOCTOR. **IF THE CAKE DIDN'T GET SMASHED.

(_as the cake gets squashed_) I'D BETTER SAVE HER ARSE—

[_He grabs _**DONNA **_and then electrifies the sound system._

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW THE SS WINS THE FIGHT.

TRAGEDY TOMORROW,

COMEDY TONIGHT!

Donna, Lance, let's break into H C Clements, ride Segways, make sliiiightly suggestive metaphors—

**DONNA. **Wot, like I'm a pencil in a cup?

**THE DOCTOR. –**see some Thames flood barriers, chemical warfare . . .

**DONNA. **COMEDY?

**THE DOCTOR. **COMEDY!

**ALL. **COMEDY TONIGHT!!!

[_At H C Clements in the basement . . ._

**DONNA. **Doctor, you're a . . . uh, doctor. You should have stayed and helped my relatives who were bleeding.

**THE DOCTOR. **You've got to look at the bigger picture.

**DONNA. **You mean it's boring for a television audience to watch the Doctor help people when he could be all flash and only has (_checks her watch_) seventeen more minutes to do it?

**THE DOCTOR. **Dude, why is there this hole in the ground?

[_They've stumbled onto a big hole. Insane cackle from above them._

_Song. _**ALL I ASK OF YOU **(Lloyd Webber/Hart)

**THE DOCTOR. **NO MORE TALK OF DINOSAURS,

LET'S STOP YOUR MOTOR-MOUTH,

THERE'S SOMEONE UP THERE WHO'S ROARING

AND IF NOTHING, SHE'S NOT BORING!

[_The _**EMPRESS OF THE RACNOSS **_appears. Chews scenery._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, look, it's Sarah Parrish hamming things up.

**EMPRESS. **Hi, David. I knew you when you were brain-damaged. And naked.

[**LANCE **_creeps in with an axe._

**DONNA. **YO, LADY, I AM TALKING—

YOU BIG PURPLE SLAV'RING BUG!

YOU RUINED MY WEDDING DAY

AND NOW LANCE IS GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!

[**LANCE **_drops the axe and laughs._

**LANCE. **Suckah!

**THE DOCTOR. **I just don't get it. Why would he go to such elaborate lengths to create a scene? Why didn't he declare his allegiances right away?

**PARODY WRITER.** It's _Doctor Who, _baby.

**DONNA. **SAY YOU LOVE ME EVERY WAKING MOMENT

TELL ME ALL OF THIS IS A BAD DREAM!

**LANCE. **SAY YOU'LL SHUT UP THAT BIG PIE HOLE!

YAP, YAP, YAP, BRITNEY, POSH, IS ALL YOU EVER DO!

Humiliate you,

THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

[_Orchestral interlude as _**THE DOCTOR **_whisks _**DONNA **_into the _TARDIS.

**THE DOCTOR. **Cheer up. It's not as if you fell in love with the Master and got killed by him.

**DONNA. **Wot?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_coughs_) Gallifrey. Here, we're 4.6 billion years into the past.

**DONNA. **The creation of the Earff.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, look. There's a chunk of Swansea floating by. So, yeah, there are baby Racnosses in the center of the Earth.

**DONNA. **That's _nearly _dinosaurs.

[_They return. _**DONNA **_gets captured and put in a web next to _**LANCE.**

**DONNA. **I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU—

**LANCE. **OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?

**EMPRESS. **I'LL FEED YOU BOTH TO MY BABIES,

NO IFS, ANDS, BUTS, OR MAYBES!

[**LANCE **_falls into the hole._

**THE DOCTOR. **SAY YOU'LL STOP THIS

OR I WILL THROW CAT TOYS

INTO THE AIR AND FINISH YOU!

[_He does so._

**EMPRESS. **MY CHILDREN, MY CHILDREN!

[_Sobbing, she transports back to her star-web spaceship._

OH NO, THIS ISN'T—

[_She gets blown up; a child screams; a tank drives by Cardiff Castle._

_Amid lots of flame and water . . . _

**DONNA. **STOP, YOU CRAZY MAN!!!

**THE DOCTOR. **OH LOOK, IT'S YOU.

ADMIT: I LOOK HOT WITH THIS 'DO!

[_He slicks his hair back._

_Back at _**DONNA**_'s house . . ._

**DONNA. **Can you, like, make it snow?

**THE DOCTOR. **Sure. [_He does._ It may interest you to know I may or may not be Father Christmas.

**DONNA. **Okay, well, I'm gonna got walk in some dust or somefink.

**THE DOCTOR. **ANYWHERE I GO, YOU CAN COME TOO!

COMPANION, THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

[_She slaps him._

**THE DOCTOR. **Quite right, too.

**DONNA. **You can come in and have Christmas dinner, though.

**THE DOCTOR. **No thanks, I might cry like a little girl.

**DONNA. **Okay, then I'll see you next season?

**THE DOCTOR. **Shhh! That's supposed to be a secret!

[_End of Prologue._

1 Excessive use of punctuation used to connote the extremely LOUD mannerisms of Donna.

2 See _Doctor Who the Musical season 2 _"The Idiot's Lantern."


	2. Smith and Jones

II. Act One. Scene One. Smith and Jones. (_Guys and Dolls_)

All music (Loesser/Loewe) unless otherwise indicated.

[**MARTHA JONES **_enters, walks a busy London street with her mobile plugged to her ear._

**MARTHA. **Tish! You plot point rather than a character! How are you, Sis? Hang on, Leo's called. Hi, brother who's not a fully developed character either. Hang on. Hi Mum! Hi Dad! Hi Analise!

[_Subtitles: _Martha revolted! Oh!

**MARTHA. **It's Efficient Writing, innit? Here I am, a soon-to-be companion, young, female, attractive, plucky, and Lahdn. Sound familiar? (_sings_)

WE ARE FAMILY!

I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME!

WE ARE FAMILY!

[The **DOCTOR **_walks past her. "I'm Too Sexy" plays. He takes off his tie and walks away._

**PARODY WRITER. **More, mooooooooore!

**MARTHA. **What the 'ell was that?

[_She walks into Royal Hope Hospital and is soon examining a patient, _**FLORENCE, **_with _**DR STOKER.**

_Song. _**A PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COLD**

**DR STOKER. **Get it? Stoker? Bram Stoker? Plasmavores? Get it?

(_checks patient chart_) IT SAYS HERE

I'VE GOT TO ACT PONCY

AND PREACHY BEFORE I DIE.

YO, MORGENSTERN, SWALES, JONES, YOU TADPOLES—

TELL THIS OLD LADY TO EAT MORE SALT

AND LET'S GO TO THIS GUY,

YOU PEA-BRAINED MEDICAL STUDENT SAD SOULS!

**FLORENCE. **IN OTHER WORDS,

THE AUDIENCE—THAT'S _YOU!_—SHOULD DO AS THEY'RE TOLD—

A PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COLD.

[**DR STOKER **_and the interns come to _The **DOCTOR**_'s bed._

The **DOCTOR. **I'M FEELING A BIT BLEH TODAY

BUT I ENJOY SHOWING OFF MY

PJS, AGAIN, AND (_to _**MARTHA**) HEY, YOU'RE

PRETTY, WANNA TRY TO FIND MY HEART? SIGH,

I'LL JUST BABBLE ABOUT BEN FRANKLIN AND (_winks at _**MARTHA)** YOU'LL SEE WHY

A PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COLD.

I'm Mr. Smith, by the way.

[**MARTHA **_and _**JULIA **_walk off._ _It's raining outside._

**MARTHA. **(_on her mobile_) Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, look, we're on the moon.

[**JULIA **_faints._ _Mass panic and hysteria. _**MARTHA **_sings through all of it as she moves down floors._

_Song. _**I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE MOON BEFORE (I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE) **

**MARTHA. **I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE MOON BEFORE,

I THRIVE ON ADRENALINE

AND MY HEART'S JUST PUMPING MORE!

[_She literally runs into _The **DOCTOR.**

The **DOCTOR. **YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE MOON BEFORE

AND YET YOU'RE VERY CHIPPER

AND CLEVER AND WHAT'S MORE—

YOU'RE BLACK AND CUTE AND STRONG

I'M FULL OF FOOLISH SONG—

[_As he and _**MARTHA **_head for the patients lounge._

**JULIA. **DON'T GO OUT THAT DOOR!

[The **DOCTOR **_whips out a harmonica and an acoustic guitar._ _Glares at _**JULIA.**

(Dylan)

The **DOCTOR. **YOU JUST WASTED MY PRECIOUS TIME,

DON'T THINK TWICE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

[_He and _**MARTHA **_walk out into the Earthlight._

**MARTHA. **SO PLEASE FORGIVE THIS HELPLESS HAZE I'M IN

I'VE REALLY NEVER BEEN

ON THE MOON BEFORE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW BEFORE

EVEN THOUGH I LOOK A LOT

LIKE ADEOLA FROM BEFORE.

The **DOCTOR. **THIS CGI IS GOOD BUT DID YOU KNOW

WE'RE IN SWANSEA UNI, SO

PLEASE FORGIVE THIS LAVERBREAD I'M IN

I'VE REALLY NEVER BEEN

IN SWANSEA BEFORE.

**PARODY WRITER. **David Tennant cooties! All over the staircase in the library!

The **DOCTOR. **Oh, look, Judoon Platoon upon the moon. In June. I can play the spoons upon the moon? Does that make you swoon?

[_The _**JUDOON**_ land._

**FANS. **Wicked!

[_The _**JUDOON **_start "yomping" inside the library, er, hospital._

_Meanwhile, _**DR STOKER **_is glassy-eyed while _**FLORENCE **_sings a show tune._

_Song. _**I'LL KNOW **

**FLORENCE. **FOR I'VE IMAGINED EVERY BIT OF THIS

FROM THE COLOR OF MY BENDY LIL STRAW

AND THE MANIC VILLAIN FACE I'LL MAKE.

SLABS, HOLD THIS EXPENDABLE SO I CAN VAMPIRIZE

AND TERRIFY CHILDREN IN AWE . . .

**DR STOKER. **BUT I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE MY KID! WAH!

[_The _**SLABS **_hold down _**STOKER **_as _**FLORENCE **_sucks him dry._

_Meanwhile, the _**JUDOON **_march through the lobby. _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_hide on the stairs._

_Song. _**JUDOON (GUYS AND DOLLS) **

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE

I JUST CAN'T THINK OF THE SOMEONE—

I'M THE DOCTOR—

**MARTHA. **SO AM I, AND I'M UPPITY

ABOUT IT SO DON'T GET POMPOUS AND RUIN MY FUN—

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW I REMEMBER THE SOMEONE!

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **No flashback to Dr Grace Holloway. It'll be like she never existed!

**JUDOON. **BLO! MO! SCO! FO! DO! NO! KRO! TIC TAC TOE!

[_The _**JUDOON **_assimilates language by flashing a light thing at _**MORGENSTERN**

TAKE THE BREATHILIZER TEST OF DOOM!

[_He shines a light in _**MORGENSTERN**_'s eye, then marks an x on his hand_

**THE DOCTOR. **WHEN YOU SEE A RHINO ACTING A BIT LIKE A WINO

CHANCES ARE HE'S THE POLICE IN AN OUTER SPACE BRIEF

HE WILL MARK YOU SAFE AND YOU WILL THINK THAT'S JUST GREATH

Oops, had something in my mouth there.

UNTIL HE STARTS MARKING YOU UP LIKE A PRUNE

[_The _**JUDOON **_starts drawing all over _**MORGENSTERN**_'s face. Pushes him away, grabs another person and starts drawing alien symbols on his face, à la Toby in "Impossible Planet."_

**THE DOCTOR.** CALL IT SAD, CALL IT FUNNY

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **IT'S EARNING US LOTS OF MONEY!

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S CONTINUE THIS STORY WITH JUDOON!

[_He and _**MARTHA **_run upstairs._

**THE DOCTOR. **THE JUDOON ARE THICK, THEY'VE WIPED THIS PLACE SICK!

THE PLASMA COILS! I COULD GOUGE MY EYE OUT WITH A SPOON!

WHEN WE GET CAUGHT UP IN A TIGHT SPOT—

HERE'S THE FIXER-OF-ALL WHICH I LIKE TO CALL

THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER.

**MARTHA. **WHAT 'BOUT LASER SPANNER?

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M GONNA GET ONE ALL TOO SOON!

[_They start running through corridors from _**JUDOON.**

**BOTH. **CALL IT HELL, CALL IT HEAVEN

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **THE RATINGS ARE UP .07!

**ALL. **AS WE RUN FROM THE JUDOON!

**MARTHA. **I'm going to go check on Dr. Stoker.

**THE DOCTOR. **Why?

**MARTHA. **'Cause I secretly fancy him.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh.

[_She runs back out, pursued by a _**SLAB. **_As _**MARTHA **_runs, the _**SLAB **_pauses to do the Thriller dance in the corridor._

**SLAB. **THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT . . .

[**THE DOCTOR **_messes around with an x-ray machine._

**THE DOCTOR. **Quick! Find the on switch!

**MARTHA. **But I'm a helpless assistant!

**THE DOCTOR. **Don't read the manual! (_shakes her_) Sorry, latent violence from Catherine Tate.

[_The _**SLAB **_walks in and drops dead. _**THE DOCTOR **_starts hopping around._

**MARTHA. **Now what are you doing?

[**THE DOCTOR **_starts doing the Thriller dance._

**MARTHA. **Are you gonna vomit?

**THE DOCTOR. **I need—

**MARTHA.** Blow your nose?

**THE DOCTOR**. I need—

**MARTHA**. Spit?

**THE DOCTOR**. I need—

**MARTHA**. Fart?

**THE DOCTOR**. I need—

**MARTHA**. Defecate?

**THE DOCTOR**. Marfa, eww.

**MARTHA**. Well, you did in _Recovery. _Explode? Spontaneously combust?

[**THE DOCTOR **_kicks off his shoes._

**THE DOCTOR. **Olé!

[_He nudges the _**SLAB.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Solid leather. Someone's got one hell of a fetish.

**PARODY WRITER. **And this time it isn't me. Although speaking of fetishes, now that he's barefoot . . .

[**MARTHA **_throws _**THE DOCTOR **_up against the wall._

**MARTHA. **So, you got a partner? Back up?

**THE DOCTOR. **Uh . . .

[_He sees the _**JUDOON **_coming. Faith Hill's "This Kiss" starts playing. He kisses _**MARTHA **_and runs off. The _**JUDOON **_hand her something._

**MARTHA. **What's this for?

**JUDOON. **Compensation.

**MARTHA. **Oi, he wasn't that bad of a kisser!

[_In the MRI room, _**THE DOCTOR **_stumbles upon _**FLORENCE.**

**I'LL KNOW, **Cont'd

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW I'M GOING TO BABBLE 'BOUT THE GCSES

I FAILED SEVERAL EXCEPT GEOGRAPHY.

**FLORENCE. **Geography?

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, geography!

SUDDENLY—

**FLORENCE. **I'LL KNOW

THAT THIS IS HARD FOR YOU TO DO,

I KNOW THAT IT'S TOUGH

BUT CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A SEC

WHILE I REVEAL MY WHOLE PLOT—

**THE DOCTOR.** BUT LET'S KEEP THE VIOLENCE IN CHECK!

AND I KNOW

THAT THE EARTH'S GOING TO BURN—

**FLORENCE. **AND I'LL GET AWAY! (_cackles_)

**THE DOCTOR. **SHALL WE HAVE CAKE?

**FLORENCE. **WHY HAVE CAKE WHEN I'VE GOT MY STRAW?

[_The remaining _**SLAB **_holds _**THE DOCTOR **_down as _**FLORENCE **_sucks his blood. _**MARTHA **_barges in with the _**JUDOON.**

**MARTHA. **Oh no, he can't be!

**FANS. **He isn't. Just wait a tic.

[_The _**JUDOON **_vaporize _**FLORENCE **_and start marching away. The _ER _theme music plays as _**MARTHA **_starts pounding on _**THE DOCTOR**_'s chest. She then gives him mouth-to-mouth and rather enjoys it. _

**MARTHA. **Uh oh! No oxygen!

[_She gives him mouth-to-mouth one more time and then dreamily passes out._ **THE DOCTOR **_magically revives as it begins to rain. _

"_It's Raining Men" plays as _**MARTHA **_wakes up and angry hospital staff chase _**MORGENSTERN **_with clubs._

_Later, _**THE DOCTOR **_picks his nails outside the TARDIS. Sounds of familial catfight as _**MARTHA **_stumbles into the street. This is the perfect opportunity for a big production number . . . but there won't be one._

**MARTHA. **What's that blue box?

[**THE DOCTOR **_closes the door to the TARDIS, then returns, holding his tie._

**THE DOCTOR. **How much more must I take off to convince you?

**MARTHA. **boggles

**THE DOCTOR. **So, let's blow this popsicle stand.

_Song. _**SUE ME **

**MARTHA. **YOU PROMISE ME THIS, YOU PROMISE ME THAT

YOU PROMISE ME EVERYTHING ON TOP OF THE MOON

THEN YOU GIVE ME A KISS

AND YOU'RE GRABBING YOUR TIE

AND YOU'RE OFF TO THE RACES AGAIN!

**THE DOCTOR. **Marfa! Marfa!

**MARTHA. **WHEN I THINK OF THE EXAMS I'LL MISS

AND THE BILLS—I'M FEELING TRISTE . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **SUE ME, SUE ME

WHAT CAN DO YOU DO ME?

I . . . er . . . LIKE YOU.

[_She follows him into the TARDIS._

**MARTHA. **It's so low-tech!

**THE DOCTOR. **You're not replacing her!

**MARTHA. **Who?

**THE DOCTOR. **Er, no one.

**MARTHA. **Well, you're the one who kissed me.

**THE DOCTOR. **Genetic transfer.

**MARTHA. **Nuh uh. That was a kiss. You could have cut open my arm with your sonic thingee and smeared your blood into my wound—

**THE DOCTOR. **Ewww.

**MARTHA. **–but instead you kissed me. And then I gave you mouth-to-mouth like nobody's business.

**THE DOCTOR. **I was unconscious!

**MARTHA. **Doesn't matter. And if you will wear a tight suit . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey! It's not my fault I'm anorexic!

[_He flips a switch. The TARDIS jumps to life._

**THE DOCTOR. **Welcome aboard, Dr. Jones!

**MARTHA. **SUE ME, SUE ME,

SHOOT BULLETS THROUGH ME—

I LOVE YOU!

**THE DOCTOR. **None of that.

[_She opens her mouth for the big operatic climax._

**MARTHA. **TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!

[_They disappear into the sunset._

Next time: "The Shakespeare Code" (_The Scarlet Pimpernel_)


	3. The Shakespeare Code

II. Scene Two. The Shakespeare Code. (_The Scarlet Pimpernel_)

All music (Wildhorn/Knighton) unless otherwise indicated.

[_The curtain comes up over some Tudor wood frame houses._

**THE GHOST OF LAURENCE OLIVIER. **1599, in our fair city of London. The evening is lovely and very CGI. Hark! It's Elizabeth Siddal! No, Reese Witherspoon!

[**LILITH **_ducks out the window. Her _**SUITOR **_in the street below gasps._

**SUITOR. **What light through yonder window breaks?

It is pixels and a matte painting, somewhere in Warwick!

_Song. _**ELIZABETHAN ENGLAND (STORYBOOK). **

**LILITH. **LISTEN TO ME AS I SPOUT POETIC FOLDEROL

THAT'S NOT EVEN PROPER PERIOD AT ALL

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND WE'LL BE RISQUE.

[_He comes up._

**LILITH. **COME, LET'S MAKE OUT AND SNOG OUTRAG'SLY . . .

[_She transforms into a witch._

**LILITH. **Mother Doomfinger, Mother Bloodtide—dispatch this beeotch.

**SUITOR. **EWWW, YOU'RE UGLY!

**LILITH. **COME MY MOTHERS, LET'S DEVOUR THIS FELLA—

IT'S GRAPHIC, DISTURBING, AND, WELL, UH—

[_They tear him limb from limb._

**LILITH. **NOTHING IS REAL, BUT WE'RE CACKLING,

CRACKLING—

[_In the TARDIS . . ._

**PARODY WRITER. **At least he's got the brown suit back on.

**EVAN. **Come on, you'd rather have him in _no _suit.

**PARODY WRITER. **Shhh!

**MARTHA. **WHAT, WHAT, WHAT MAKES THE TARDIS KEEP GOING?

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR SCIENTIFIC MIND KEEPS THROWING

ME OFF—NOW I'VE GOT NO ONE TO CONDESCEND TO!

_I'M _THE ONE WHO POKES A HOLE IN THE FLIGHTY!

NOW THAT WE'RE HERE I'LL BE MIGHTY [_They land._

FLUENT WITH THE SHAKESPEARE PROSE—

[**MARTHA **_runs outside._

**MARTHA. **EXCITIN'! WHERE

ARE WE? WHEN ARE WE?

**THE DOCTOR. **IT'S NOT CLEAR FROM THE CLOTHES?! SPARE

ME. DON' WALK THERE!

[**MARTHA **_just avoids getting hit by a chamber pot's contents._

**MARTHA. **So this is Elizabethan England? That's the _Pirates of the Caribbean _theme played on period instruments.

**THE DOCTOR. **So it is. Let's go find Shakespeare.

[_At the Globe . . ._

**THE DOCTOR. **Notice how we've so far recycled all the pop culture clichés about Shakespeare.

**MARTHA. **Like the chamber pots?

**THE DOCTOR. **And the fact that groundlings smell. And that men played women in Elizabethan theatre.

**MARTHA. **And you make some crack about London never changing.

**THE DOCTOR. **Quiet, you, I'm going to be cross-dressing myself in a panto one of these days.

**MARTHA. **HANG ON A MINUTE—WON'T I, BEING BLACK, BE DEPORTED?

**THE DOCTOR. **COME ON NOW, DON'T BE SO SORDID!

WE AT THE BBC ARE SO PC!

**MARTHA. **DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER MET SHAKESPEARE BEFORE?

**THE DOCTOR. **I'VE BEEN BUSY WEARING EYESORES.

[_Flashback to Colin Baker's costume._

**MARTHA. **AUTHOR, AUTHOR, YO, AUTHOR!

**CROWD. **Hawthorne! Hawthorne! Hawthorne!

[**NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE **_appears on stage. _**THE DOCTOR **_smacks his forehead._

**THE DOCTOR. **D'oh.

**HAWTHORNE. **You summoned me?

[**SHAKESPEARE **_comes out with an electric guitar and pushes _**HAWTHORNE **_into the mosh pit of groundlings. He plays "Immigrant Song" to the adoring crowd._

**SHAKESPEARE. **You'll get _Love's Labour's Won _tomorrow. Peace out.

**THE DOCTOR. **Great. Shakespeare's a potty mouth and the missing play's suddenly not so missing.

**MARTHA. **He's also wearing eyeliner.

WAIT, WE CAN FLOG IT! LET'S PUT THE PLAY UPON YOU.TUBE

**THE DOCTOR. **AH! AND THAT JUST GOES TO PROVE

YOU'RE A MODERN GIRL—

[_Outside the theatre, the Witches plot and plan._

**LILITH. **AND I'M FLYING—

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_exit the theatre._

**MARTHA. **SIGHING: WHERE, WHERE IS MY STORYBOOK ENDING?

WHY DOES MY GOLDEN PRETENDING

LEAVE ME WITH NOTHING TO HOLD . . . BUT MY DREAMS?

**THE DOCTOR. **Did you say something?

[_At the inn. _**SHAKESPEARE **_and the actors schmooze._

**SHAKESPEARE. **Dolly Bailey, you are straight from a 1960s production of _Taming of the Shrew. _

**DOLLY. **Oh, Will, you do flatter.

**SHAKESPEARE. **Shall we be ever-so-slightly raunchy?

**DOLLY. **After the kiddies have gone to bed!

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_run in._

_Song. _**THE TETRADECAGON (THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL) **

**SHAKESPEARE. **LUD LOVE ME! SUCH FAN OBSESSION

COULD DRIVE A MAN INSANE

NO AUTOGRAPHS, NO INSIGHT:

I'M A PONCY ARTISTE

WITH A MODERN VOCAB—

NOW SHOVE OFF—

**THE DOCTOR. **OY, THE PAIN.

[**SHAKESPEARE **_looks at _**MARTHA.**

**SHAKESPEARE. **HEY NONNY, MISS JONES—

WHAT A VIS'AL FEAST.

**JAMIE. **Excellent bottom.

[**MARTHA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_sit next to _**SHAKESPEARE.**

**SHAKESPEARE. **I'D SAY YOU WERE AN ETHIOP GIRL

A STUNNING BLACKAMOOR

**MARTHA. **AND I'D SAY YOU'D BETTER

WATCH YOUR TONGUE—

**SHAKESPEARE. **YO, DOCTOR, HOW CAN YOUR EYES

BE SO OLD WHEN YOU LOOK SO YOUNG?

**THE DOCTOR. **From looking at Catherine Tate too much.

**MARTHA. **VERILY, FORSOOTH, AND EGAD—

**THE DOCTOR. **DON'T DO THAT—THOUGH IT'S A FAD

TO WHICH OUR WRITER DOES ASCRIBE—

[_Shows _**SHAKESPEARE **_psychic paper._

**SHAKESPEARE. **YO, THAT PAPER'S BLANK INSIDE.

**THE DOCTOR. **HEY, YOU AND JACK MIGHT BE A FIT—

**MARTHA. **OH DOCTOR, WHAT IS THAT SHIT? (_she grabs for the psychic paper_)

**THE DOCTOR. **OH IT'S SO HARD TO START AGAIN FROM SCRATCH.

[_A duck with a cigar in its beak drops from the sky._

**THE DOCTOR. **Marfa1's from Freedonia.

[**LYNLEY, **_Master of the Revels, enters._

**LYNLEY. **I'M THE MASTER OF EX-

POSITION AND I'M FROM _SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE_

I'M FROM A COSTUME DRAMA,

A PLOT CATALYST.

YOU CANNOT HAVE THIS PLAY, SHAKESPEARE,

NOT BY MY TROTH—

[_He leaves, dramatically._ _He bumps into _**LILITH **_on the way out._

**LILITH. **I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR

**LYNLEY. **NO, AFTER YOU, I INSIST!

**LILITH. **WE'LL GIVE HIM A MOST GRAPHIC DEATH—

[**LYNLEY **_falls over, spitting out water._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M A DOCTOR!

**MARTHA. **SO AM I!

AND I SUSPECT I'M A BETTER ONE!

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S NOT ARGUE—THIS DUDE'S DEAD!

**SHAKESPEARE. **AY ME, HE GETS ALL THE FUN!

[_They all go inside (except _**LYNLEY **_of course, who is dead). _**SHAKESPEARE **_stares at _**THE DOCTOR.**

**SHAKESPEARE. **YOU'RE A PUZZLE TO COMPLETE—

BECAUSE YOUR SHAKESPEARE

IS SO DEEP

**MARTHA. **QUITE UNCANNY I WOULD SAY

**SHAKESPEARE. **WELL, BABE, I'M WROTE THAT WAY!

I'M EQUAL 'PORTUNITY

'BOUT THOSE I SEDUCE, Y'SEE.

AND DOCTOR, I'M YOUR MATCH INTELLECTUALLY!

**THE DOCTOR. **Time for bed.

[**MARTHA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_enter their room, which only has one bed. _**THE DOCTOR **_slumps down on it._

**MARTHA. **Well, this is . . . intimate. If there was a pole, there'd be room for a striptease.

**THE DOCTOR. **Um, yeah.

_Song. _**BELIEVE**

**MARTHA. **HAVE YOU GOT A TOOFBRUSH?

**THE DOCTOR. **HERE'S ONE!

[_He pulls out two toothbrushes and throws one to her._

**MARTHA. **HOW 'BOUT SLIPPERS MADE OF PLUSH?

**THE DOCTOR. **AND THEN SOME!

[_He throws her a pair of pink bunny slippers._

**MARTHA. **HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU BE

SO OBLIVIOUS TO ME?

**THE DOCTOR. **I DO . . .

**MARTHA. **YOU DO?!

**THE DOCTOR. **BELIEVE . . . (_motions to her to lie down next to him_)

THAT THE ANSWER TO ALL THIS

IS STARING IN MY FACE.

[_She moves closer to him, thrusts her bosoms in his face._

**MARTHA. **¿NO COMPRENDO? (_waves her hand in front of his face_) NO TRACE!

**THE DOCTOR. **AS ROSES BEND THROUGH BREEZE,

SHE'D KNOW IT—

**MARTHA. **(OH, THAT'S RICH—WHAT WOULD _SHE _SAY?)

**THE DOCTOR. **AND IN THE DARKNESS,

SHE WOULD, UH, SHOW IT—

**MARTHA. **(I'M GOING TO BARF—OY VEY)

**THE DOCTOR. **AND LIKE I SAID I WOULD

YOU'LL BE BACK SOON—

**MARTHA. **WELL, GOOD! (_blows out the candle_)

I DO . . . BELIEVE . . . IN YOU . . .

Jerk.

[_In _**SHAKESPEARE**'s _room, a ton of candles._

**LILITH. **My mothers, I go to Shakespeare to manipulate him using a creepy puppet. By using voodoo.

**DOOMFINGER. **Who do?

**BLOODTIDE. **You do.

**LILITH. **Voodoo.

[_They all cackle. _**SHAKESPEARE **_completes the play while being possessed. _**DOLLY **_walks in._

**TETRADECAGON **Cont'd

**LILITH. **THIS'LL AID MY FLIGHT— (_takes broom_)

AND YOU'LL DIE OF FRIGHT! (**DOLLY **_does so_)

**MARTHA. **I SAW A WITCH OUT THERE—

**THE DOCTOR. **RAGE 'GAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT.

THAT'S DYLAN THOMAS—

**SHAKESPEARE. **I'LL CASUALLY MENTION WITCHES—

**THE DOCTOR. **A TETRADECAGON HAS FOURTEEN SIDES . . .

WHY'S THE GLOBE SO?

**SHAKESPEARE SCHOLARS. **B'LIEVE US, WE DON'T KNOW!

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S TO THE ARCHITECT WHO'LL CONFIDE!

**MARTHA. **WHAT'S BEDLAM?

**SHAKESPEARE. **ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE UNWITTING

FOR A MEDICAL WOMAN!

**MARTHA. **YOU'RE A JERK, TOO! (_kicks him_)

**SHAKESPEARE. **DOCTOR, YOU LEAD ON

MAYBE THE QUEEN WILL SHOW UP—

SURELY "AS IF" SHOULD MAKE ME BLOW UP!

**THE DOCTOR. **WHY THE TETRADECAGON?

[_They arrive at CGI Bedlam to visit _**PETER STREET**

**SHAKESPEARE. **. . . yes, I had my bout of clinical depression, too . . . To be or not to be . . . bit pretentious?

**THE DOCTOR. **Not as much as this script.

**MARTHA. **Ewww, why do all mad people have such bad teeth?

**THE DOCTOR. **Peter Street, I'm going to mind meld with you like I did with Madame de Pompadour. Please don't fantasize about me while I do it like she did, 'cause that's just wrong.

**LILITH. **I thought he smelt of something new. (_sniffs_) Like tea, I think. Go get 'im.

[**DOOMFINGER **_kills _**PETER STREET**.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yo, Carionite, go back to where you came from! Shakespeare, stop the play. Martha . . . we've got another musical number ahead of us.

**MARTHA. **Oh God.

_Song. _**THE CARIONITES (MADAME GUILLOTINE**)

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS

AND KEEP IT POP CULTURE KEEN . . .

_BACK TO THE FUTURE—_

**MARTHA. **I'LL START FADIN' AWAY

UNTIL I CAN'T BE SEEN?!

[_At the Globe, _**SHAKESPEARE **_plays "Johnny B Goode" on his guitar until he's voodooed into unconsciousness._

**THE DOCTOR. **WHICH . . .? WITCH! CAN YOU SCRATCH THIS ITCH?

[**MARTHA **_scratches his neck. They alight into the Witches' house._

**MARTHA. **I'LL HANDLE THIS—CARIONITE!

**LILITH. **RHYME "JONES" WITH "BAG OF BONES"—

I'LL MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU (_indicates _**PARODY WRITER**) TO WRITE.

[**MARTHA **_goes down._

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU WON'T FIND A NAME FOR ME

AND I'LL JUST GET SAPPY 'BOUT ROSE.

**LILITH. **GIVE IN, PRETTY DEAR—

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, IT'S CLEAR MY BOD'S GOT YOU IN THROES!

**LILITH. **THE ETERNALS CONSIGNED US TO DARKNESS—

**THE DOCTOR. **AND MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

**LILITH. **OH, LOOK, I GOT YOUR HAIR! (_she snips off a big chunk of his fringe/bangs_)

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW I FEEL BIZARRE!

[**LILITH **_flies away and voodoos _**THE DOCTOR. **_He collapses. _**MARTHA**

_wakes up._

**THE DOCTOR. **Hit me. [**MARTHA **_starts smacking him. Hard. Nowhere near his hearts._ Ow! Ow! Did you know, ow, kicking is considered foreplay?

**MARTHA. **Really?

[_He gets up and edges away from her._

**THE DOCTOR. **To the Globe!

[_At the Globe, all the little Carionites are coming out of the crystal ball as bewildered actors and audience look on._

**THE DOCTOR. **Shakespeare, fix everything!

**SHAKESPEARE. **How?!

**THE DOCTOR. **You want my sonic screwdriver?

**MARTHA. **Expelliarmus!

**THE DOCTOR. **Expelliarmus!

**J K ROWLING. **Copyright infringement!

**PARODY WRITER. **Dude, you're in the middle of a parody.

[_The Carionites all disappear._

**GHOST OF LAURENCE OLIVIER. **And that is how this particular audience had a theatre experience they would never forget.

_Song. _**BELIEVE **(reprise)

**SHAKESPEARE. **WELL, MARTHA, LET'S MAKE OUT,

MY DARK LADY . . .

**MARTHA. **YOU'RE CHARMING AN' ALL THAT,

BUT SHADY . . .

**SHAKESPEARE. **THE DOCTOR WON'T KISS YOU,

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DO . . .

**MARTHA. **I DO . . .

**SHAKESPEARE. **YOU DO?!

**MARTHA. **BELIEVE . . .

THAT YOUR BREATH HALF STINKS

BUT THANK YOU FOR THE THOUGHT.

**THE DOCTOR. **APPARENTLY I INVENTED THE RUFF!

**PARODY WRITER. **WHAT A CROCK!

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA. **AS THE QUEEN HAS THIS TO SAY—

**THE QUEEN. **Pernicious Doctor!

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA. **LET'S RUN AWAY!

[_They throw their arms around the TARDIS._

**BOTH. **WE DO . . . BELIEVE . . . IN YOU!

[_They fly off into the sunset._

Next time: "Gridlock"(_CATS)_

1 Apparently Word thinks this is a word.


	4. Gridlock

IV. Scene Three. Gridlock. (_CATS_)

All songs (Lloyd Webber/Eliot) unless otherwise indicated

[_A TV screen comes on onstage. A hologram appears on it._

**SALLY CALYPSO. **I—

**FANS. **Oh bloody hell, not _The Long Game _again.

[_In a hover car on the Motorway, the couple from _American Gothic

_Song. _**THE NAMING OF FAULTS (THE NAMING OF CATS) **

**MOTHER. **WE'RE SOME OBSCURE COMMENTARY WRITTEN TO TEASE,

A PALE IMITATION OF SAWARD OF OLD,

THAT RTD COOKED UP IN A MOMENT OF EASE.

NOW WE NEED TO GET KILLED OFF; LET IT UNFOLD!

**FATHER. **WE'RE DRIVING AROUND ON THE MOTORWAY, C'REENING

TO THE BOTTOM WHERE SOMETHING MAKES 'ORRIBLE NOISE

ARE WE DEAD AMERICANS? THE SUBTEXT IS TEEMING

LET'S KEEP UP THE VIEWING—SEE WHAT ELSE IT DESTROYS.

[_Their car is attacked. 'Orrible noise._

[**MARTHA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_in the TARDIS._

**MARTHA. **Please?

**THE DOCTOR. **No.

**MARTHA. **Pretty please?

**THE DOCTOR. **No!

**MARTHA. **Doctor . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **For the last time, Marfa, I'm not taking you to Gallifrey. There are no black people in the Citadel, for one—

**MARTHA. **You racist, sexist alien pig!

**THE DOCTOR. **–and secondly, I don't wanna!

**MARTHA. **Bet you'd take _Rose _to Gallifrey.

**THE DOCTOR. **That gives me an idea! Let's see New ad naseum York!

**MARTHA. **Okay. But if you won't take me to Gallifrey, will you at least snog me again?

**THE DOCTOR. **No!!

[_They land. It rains._

**MARTHA. **You nutter. You landed us in some back alley in Cardiff!

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh come on, you're not made of sugar! (_looks her up and down_) Are you?

[_He licks her cheek. She starts to go woozy._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh that's right, you haven't encountered my oral fixation yet.

[_Suddenly, a bunch of streetside _**VENDORS **_open up shop._

**FANS. **mumbleLongGamemumble

_Song. _**DRUG-ADDLED EVOCATION (MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPLETEAZER)**

**VENDOR 1. **COME ON, DARLIN', HAVE SOME HAPPY—

OUR INSPIRATION IS TERRIBLY PLAIN!

**VENDOR 2. **WE'RE A DYSTOPIC, DRUG-ADDLED EVOCATION

OF ALL THINGS MODERN—SHARE OUR PAIN!

**GIRL. **I need . . . some crack . . .

**MARTHA. **YOU MUSTN'T TAKE THAT, INNOCENT SOUL!

**GIRL. **IT'S LOTUS, AND LETHE, ROLLED INTO ONE—

THE DREADED MOTORWAY FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.

[_She takes Forget from the Vendors_

OOH, WHO ARE YOU? I'M OFF TO HAVE FUN!

[_She skips away. Suddenly two people holding a gun kidnap _**MARTHA.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Hold on, aren't you Mimi and Roger from _RENT_?

**CHEEN. **We're really, really sorry—

**MILO. **But you've got the wrong parody.

[_They take off with _**MARTHA. THE DOCTOR **_follows them as best he can. They then drive away._

**THE DOCTOR. **MARFAAAAAAAAAAA!

I'M A VENGEFUL GOD, THE ONCOMING STORM

I'M GONNA MAKE MY TROUGHTON FACE (_gurns_)

UNTIL YOU CLEAR OUT OF THIS PLACE!

NOW YOU TELL ME WHY THEY NEEDED THREE!

**VENDOR 1. **THEY'RE A BIT KINKY, IT SEEMS TO ME?

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, MARTHA IN BONDAGE—HOW SAD!

THIS MAKES ME FEEL, WELL, ALMOST BAD.

[_In the car . . ._

**CHEEN. **WE'RE HARMLESS KIDNAPPERS, SYMPATHETIC—

**MILO. **WE'RE SO GOOD-LOOKING, YOUR TEETH WILL HURT—

**MARTHA. **CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PATHETIC!

[_She rips off _**CHEEN**_'s honesty patch._

**CHEEN. **Hey, that was my pepperoni mark from the Rani!

**MILO. **Don't worry about it, we'll leave you off in six years.

**MARTHA. **I think I'm about to have a Catherine Tate moment. WHAT?!

**CHEEN. **It's the transparent commentary on clogged highways.

[_Next a CGI _**DOCTOR **_stands on a lay-by in a CGI haze. A car drives up. A cat man lets _**THE DOCTOR **_in._

**BRANIGAN. **I'm Turboman! Get in!

_Song. _**AN IRISH CAT (THE GUMBIE CAT)**

**BRANIGAN. **I AM AN IRISH CAT GUEST STAR,

MY NAME IS ARDAL O'HANLAN—

[**VALERIE **_pokes him_

SORRY, THE MAKEUP GOES ONLY SO FAR—

I MEAN I'M THOMAS BRANIGAN.

**VALERIE. **NOW DON'T HAVE KITTENS, I SAY;

I'M THE WIFE AND THESE THE KIDS—

[_Shows _**THE DOCTOR **_the basket of kittens_

**KITTENS. **MEW!

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, THAT'S . . . UH . . . NICE, I MEAN . . . EWWW.

I'M NOT JUDGEMENTAL, BUT THAT'S EWWW.

BUT HOW CAN IT BE TWELVE YEARS

YOU'VE DRIVEN? IT STRETCHES BELIEF TO TEARS

IS THE FUTURE SO BLEAK YOU'RE ALL SHEEP?

**BRANIGAN. **THAT'S CRAZY TALK! WHO ARE YOU?

**KITTENS. **MEEP!

**VALERIE. **IF YOU'RE SO DEEPLY CONCERNED, YOU CAN CALL ON THE COPS—

**THE DOCTOR. **THE CYNICISM FLOWS SO, I'M IN NEED OF A MOP.

BUT LET'S KEEP THE POP CULTURE QUIPS COMING

A CRACK ABOUT FACEBOOK—

[_In the other car . . ._

**MARTHA. **WHAT IS THAT HUMMING?

**CHEEN. **The sound of Ian Stuart Black rolling in his grave1.

**BRANIGAN. **Let's call the Cassinis, they're on our friends list.

**CASSINIS. **We're twee and we're gay! Woot!

**DIRECTOR. **I HAVE A MILLION CLOSEUPS IN MIND

TO MAKE YOU CLAUSTROPHOBIC

BUT HERE'S A SOUNDTRACK OPPORTUNITY

MURRAY, WORK YOUR MAGIC!

**SALLY CALYPSO. **For all you out there on the Motorway, we are _so _sorry. Here's a hymn to brainwash you.

[_Everyone sings (imagine that)._

**MARTHA. **emo

**THE DOCTOR. **Whaaaa?

**BRANIGAN. **You think you know us so well, Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, you're all sentimental saps. Take care of my coat.

**BRANIGAN. **Did you get it from Janis Joplin?

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, I got it out of the TARDIS wardrobe room. Why?

_Song. _**DOCTOR WHO SONGS FOR DOCTOR WHO CATS (JELLICLE SONGS FOR JELLICE CATS)**

**BRANIGAN. **THIS MARTHA MUST MEAN A LOT TO YOU

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M AFRAID, NO, ACT'LLY I'M RATHER A JERK

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THIS—IT'S TRUE!

**BRANIGAN. **BON VOYAGE, RAT-MAN!

**VALERIE. **HE'S REALLY A QUIRK!

**BOTH. **BECAUSE NEW NEW YORKERS ARE WE, NEW NEW YORKERS IT'S TRUE

NEW NEW YORKERS CAN AND NEW NEW YORKERS COULD

NEW NEW YORKERS CAN AND NEW NEW YORKERS DO.

[**THE DOCTOR **_proceeds to jump downward through a bunch of cars as rousing, swashbuckling music plays._

**ALBINO. **I'M AN ALBINO DRIVER—

**THE DOCTOR. **PARDON, PARDON ME—

**ANIME GIRLS. **WE'RE CUTE ANIME POP GIRLS—

**THE DOCTOR. **YES, I CAN SEE—

**NUDISTS. **WE'RE NUDISTS LIKE ON THE CAMBERWICK GREEN ADVERT—

**PARODY WRITER. **OH, JOIN THEM!

**EVERYONE. **YOU'RE SO OBSCENE!

**PARODY WRITER. **blush

**STEED. **I'M JOHN STEED IN A HAT—

**THE DOCTOR. **YES, I CAN SEE THAT—

[_In another car, a cat woman drives two girls in white sheets._

**CAT WOMAN. **I'M AN EIGHTIES CAT PERSON, A LITTLE LIKE ACE—

DUDE, GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE! I'M AN EXPENDABLE CAT!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

**PARODY WRITER. **NOW ENTER A PIRATE, THE PLOT'S SAVING GRACE.

[**HAME **_the cat-nun enters _**STEED**_'s car; _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**STEED** _open the bottom of the car and see Macra._

**STEED. **I say! I am so propah!

**HAME. **Shut up! I'm pissed off and I'm having PMS!

**THE DOCTOR. **Oooooh, look at the Macra!

**TEENY BOPPERS. **Duh, what?

**THE GHOST OF TROUGHTON. **How dare you extemporize without consulting me!

[**HAME **_grabs _**THE DOCTOR **_and they teleport away._

_Song. _**REMARK THE CAT**

**THE DOCTOR. **REMARK THE CAT WHO TELEPORTS TOWARD YOU!

**HAME. **IN THE LIGHT OF THE DAWN, YOU LOOK FUZZY AND NEW!

(_gives him a noogie)_

YOU SEE, THE SENATE IS A LIFT FROM CGI _STAR WARS—_

**THE DOCTOR. **Too right it is.

**HAME. **AND YOU SEE THE DRUG COMMENTARY GO ON AND ON,

LIKE A BROKEN DRONE

The Face of Boe has kept all this shit going for twenty-four years.

HE HAUNTED MANY A VIEWER'S THOUGHTS

WITH THE PROMISE OF HIS WORDS TO IMPORT

HE'S GIVEN HIS LIFE TO THE CITY

A MAGICAL FIX-IT SORT.

**THE DOCTOR. **AND THE DOCTOR SIGHED AS HE SCRATCHED HIS HEAD—

YOU REALLY HAD THOUGHT HE'D OUGHT TO BE DEAD!

**HAME. **AND WHO'D HAVE EVER SUPPOSED THAT THAT

WAS— [_drowned out by the sound of _**MARTHA **_being chased by Macra_

**MARTHA. **All right, enough chasing already!

**MILO. **Sorry, we're not nearly as interesting as the Face of Boe!

**CHEEN. **Looks like you threw your life away on this bloke you hardly know!

**MARTHA. **No way! He's my surrogate Christ figure.

[_In the Senate . . ._

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay, I think it's all a matter of deus ex machina and putting wires together.

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **I am good at that2.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yes, you are.

**FACE OF BOE. **Doc-TORRRRR . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Quiet, Face, I'm trying to be sexy. Oh! Glasses! That'll do the trick!

[_He puts on his glasses. _**THE KITTENS **_mewl as they see the sunlight._

_Song. _**THE HEAVISIDE LAYER**

**MILO, CHEEN, & MARTHA. **UP, UP, UP PAST THE MONOXIDE FUMES

UP, UP, UP, UP TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER!

**BRANIGAN & VALERIE. **UP, UP, UP PAST THE CGI SUN

UP, UP, UP, UP TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER!

**THE DOCTOR. **All ye sinners, drive up! Up, I say! Into the light! Can I get an Amen?!

**FACE OF BOE. **gurgle I've become epic, Doctor. I was a throwaway character from "The End of the World" and look at me now.

**THE DOCTOR. **That's why you can't die!

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **I'm getting damn sick of writing him.

**MARTHA. **I've just run up all these stairs in a big hurry, Doctor, and I'm not even winded! What's THAT?

**FACE OF BOE. **PITIFUL CREATURE OF DARKNESS—

**THE DOCTOR. **Who, me?!

**FACE OF BOE. **WHAT KIND OF LIFE HAVE YOU KNOWN?

GOD GIVE ME COURAGE TO SHOW YOU

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

_Song. _**THE ADDRESSING OF CATS **

**THE DOCTOR. **Let's go.

YOU'VE HEARD OF SEVERAL KINDS OF CAT

AND MY OPINION NOW IS THAT

MY CHARACTER'S INCONSISTENT

ABOUT CATS, AND I'M RESISTANT—

I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH TO TAKE THE VIEW

THAT THERE'S NOTHING CATS CAN'T DO—

SOME ARE BETTER, SOME ARE WORSE—

BUT ALL MAY BE DESCRIBED IN VERSE.

You go, Hame, rebuild it. I'm gonna run.

**MARTHA. **AND TO EXPRESS IAMBICALLY

YOU'RE TREATIN' ME QUITE TRAGIC'LY:

SO HOW YOU GONNA ANSWER UP TO THAT?

**THE DOCTOR. **Uhhh . . .

**MARTHA. **SO FIRST YOUR MEMORY I'LL TRY

AND ASK WHY YOU HAD TO LIE?

**THE DOCTOR. **I LIED 'CAUSE I'M A MASOCHIST

AND I LIKED TO REMEMBER THIS.

SOME EXPOSITION NOW FOR THOSE

BEFORE WE DRAW THIS TO A CLOSE:

ALWAYS BEAR IN MIND THAT YOU

COULD HAVE SEEN THIS ON YOU.TUBE

FROM WHEN I HAD BIG EARS, BUT I DIGRESS—

**MARTHA. **A GIRL'S ENTITLED TO EXPECT

THESE EVIDENCES OF RESPECT

SO THAT IS THAT AND THIS IS THIS

AND NOW I THINK I DESERVE A KISS.

[_He hugs her._

**THE DOCTOR. **A GIRL'S ENTITLED TO EXPECT

THESE EVIDENCES OF RESPECT

SO THAT IS THAT AND THIS IS THIS

AND NOW—Whaaa?

[_They fly away into the sunset. No kisses._

Next time: Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks. (_Aida)_

1 That is, er, if he's in the ground to begin with. No disrespect meant.

2 He'll never hire me now.


	5. Daleks in ManhattanEvolution

V. Scene Four. Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the DAleks. (_Aida)_

All songs (John/Rice) unless otherwise indicated.

[_In a theatre that in 2007 will be hosting _Phantom of the Opera—_now it is 1930 New York, NY. Backstage. An organ crescendo. _**LASZLO **_the stagehand gives _**TALLULAH **_the showgirl a rose._

(Lloyd Webber/Hart)

**LASZLO. **NO MORE TALK OF DARKNESS

FORGET THESE WIDE-EYED—

**TALLULAH. **Laszlo! Wrong show! Try again!

**LASZLO. **SAY YOU''LL SHARE WITH ME ONE LOVE, ONE LIFETIME

LEAD ME, SAVE ME—

**TALLULAH. **Laszlo!! I'm tryin' to be at least semi-serious with my annoying fake New York accent an' ya keep underminin' me.

**LASZLO. **It's not my fault, sweetheart. _Phantom _is built into this thing. Here, you give it a try.

(Loesser/Loewe)

**TALLULAH. **A POIRSON COULD DEVELOP LA GRIPPE, LA GRIPPE

THE POST NASAL DRIP!

[_They shrug and then kiss frenziedly. _**LASZLO **_goes to the prop room. A pig squeals._

**FANS. **Whoa, that was lame.

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_land in front of the Statue of Liberty._

_Song. _**I KNOW THAT (HOW I KNOW YOU)**

**THE DOCTOR. **WE'VE FINALLY MADE IT STATE-SIDE;

IT TOOK US FORTY YEARS

**MARTHA. **I SEE THEY'RE PLAYING GERSHWIN—

WE'RE FAR FROM BRITNEY SPEARS.

ONE WOULD THINK WE'D BE IN CARDIFF

BUT FOR THE SCENERY . . .

OOH, LOOK THIS PAPER TELLS US . . . (_picks up a newspaper_)

WHAT'S BEYOND THE GREENERY . . . (_she points at the Empire State Building, not yet complete_)

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW I KNOW THAT,

YES, I KNOW THAT.

NOW MARFA, IT'S THE DEPRESSION

FOR YOU, A CRASH COURSE—

**MARTHA. **'CAUSE I'VE GOT TO EDUCATE

THE MASSES AND ENFORCE

THE MORALS OF THE STORY.

**THE DOCTOR. **DOWNTRODDEN FOLK IN CHAINS—

**MARTHA. **WE'RE SO IRONIC AND ANALYTIC

WHICH PROBABLY EXPLAINS . . . (_she points to a sign that says Hooverville_)

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW I KNOW THAT,

YES, I KNOW THAT.

**MARTHA. **Doctor, is it called Hooverville 'cause they've got lots of vacuums?

[_As they explore the camp, _**SOLOMON **_walks toward them._

**SOLOMON. **You gonna find stockbrokers, lawyers, doctors here. We all the same, man. I'm Solomon.

**THE DOCTOR. **As in the Biblical?

**SOLOMON. **Oh yes. Also a touch of _Glory. _

**MARTHA. **Are you American or not?

**SOLOMON. **Well, there's been enough controversy about that to keep the fan e-mail discussion groups talking about that for days.

**THE DOCTOR. **What's the Hooverville mystery?

[_At the top of the Empire State Building, a builder named _**MR DIAGORAS **_parades around in his two-tone shoes._

**DIAGORAS. **Ain't they nice?

**FOREMAN. **Yes, sir!

**DIAGORAS. **You gonna finish up the mast or am I gonna have to chew scenery?

**FOREMEN. **Well, I . . .

_Song. _**FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE **

**DIAGORAS. **OH OH OH

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

OH OH OH

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

YOU'D BETTER HAVE THE MAST DONE OR PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO MEET

THE MASTERS? THEY AIN'T GONNA BE HAPPY IT'S INCOMPLETE!

[_The elevator dings and a _**DALEK **_exits. A line of _**CHORUS GIRLS **_appears from nowhere and sings, to the tune of "The Fuhrer / is causing a furore" from Mel Brooks' "Springtime for Hitler"_

**CHORUS GIRLS. **THE DALEKS ARE LOVELY ART DECO!

**DIAGORAS. **Dalek Caan.

**FOREMAN. **KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

**DIAGORAS. **Not _that _Caan.

**CAAN. **TAKE THIS FOOL AWAY, FOR THE FINAL EXPERIMENT HE'S BOUND

WE NEED MORE BODIES—

**FOREMAN. **FOR AN ORGY?

**CAAN. **YOUR LOGIC IS UNSOUND.

[_The _**FOREMAN **_is taken away by _**PIG SLAVES.** **DIAGORAS **_appears at Hooverville._

**DIAGORAS. **OH OH OH

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE

IT'S ALL WORKED OUT, THE PAY IS CLEAR (_holds up a dollar) _

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT'S THE CATCH?

**SOLOMON. **FOLKS DISAPPEAR.

**MARTHA. **DON'T YOU DARE!

**THE DOCTOR. **I THINK WE'LL VOLUNTEER.

**MARTHA. **Well, come on, they won't take me, I'm a woman!

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm afraid, Marfa, this is equal opportunity sewer exploitation.

**MARTHA. **Nuts.

**FRANK. **Don' worry, darlin', Solomon here an' me, we'll come too.

**MARTHA. **Who are you?

**FRANK. **I'm Frank, the quasi-Texan.

**THE DOCTOR. **Wait, before we leave Hooverville—this is New York. We clearly need a _Newsies _moment.

[_The music swells as all the Hooverville _**RESIDENTS **_assemble into elaborate, spirited dancing._

(Menken/Feldman)

**RESIDENTS. **AIN'T IT A FINE LIFE—

**PARODY WRITER. **No! We have to save that for another parody!

[_The _**RESIDENTS **_glumly go back to being Depressed. In the sewers, _**THE DOCTOR **_spots a green lump of flesh._

**THE DOCTOR. **I _really _should remember "Resurrection of the Daleks" at a time like this—but I appear to have an enormous mental block.

**PARODY WRITER. **Probably because Jamie doesn't like that story.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, I think so.

[**THE DOCTOR **_bends down to pick it up._

**MARTHA. **Oh, you _would _pick it up!

[_He stares at her a moment, then wipes the goo on her jacket._

**MARTHA. **Oh, you are _so _dead!

[_She chases after him to give him a smack as _**SOLOMON **_and _**FRANK **_watch helplessly. As they are watching, a _**PIG SLAVE **_comes to join them. _**SOLOMON **_and _**FRANK **_glance at it, then ignore it. They do a double take and start running. They are surrounded by _**PIG SLAVES.**

(Boubil/Schonberg/Kretzmer)

**PIG SLAVES. **LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN,

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A SLAVE

LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN,

YOU'RE STANDING IN YOUR GRAVE!

[_In the Empire State Building._

_Song. _**MY STRONGEST SUIT **

**DIAGORAS. **IN LIFE, ONE GETS TO USE DALEKANIUM

AND I BET YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S A RHYME,

AND YOU SCRATCH YOUR HEAD

AND RACK YOUR CRANIUM . . .

SO PUT THAT CRAP UP, DON'T WASTE MY TIME!

**CAAN. **OF HUMAN BEINGS I USED TO BE A DOUBTER

NOW WE ARE FOUR

AND YOU ALL RULE THE ROOST

**DIAGORAS. **SO OBSERVE THE INNER ME, FORGET THE OUTER—

I AM SOULFUL, ELEGANT, LIKE PROUST!

OH NOW HERE IT'S LIKE I'M LAZARUS—

YOU'LL MEET HIM LATER—NOW LET'S JAZZ IT, US—

I WANT TO RUN NEW YORK—

IS THAT A CRIME?

I wanna be . . . in a Broadway musical!

**PARODY WRITER. **Kid, you're practically there.

**CAAN. **AND NOW I'M GUARANTEEING

EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING

WILL BE JOINED WITH DALEK GRIME.

[_Takes him away._

**MARTHA, THE DOCTOR **_and _**SOLOMON **_escape from the _**PIG SLAVES **_but leave _**FRANK **_behind. They arrive in the theatre. _**TALLULAH **_points a gun at them._

**TALLULAH. **Okay, you schmucks, I'm gonna squirt grape jelly atcha if ya don't tell me what ya've done with Laszlo.

**THE DOCTOR. **Mmm, I like grape jelly!

**TALLULAH. **MY BOYFRIEND'S BEEN GONE NEAR **MARTHA. **AH

TWO WEEKS

AND HE'S NOT A PIG, HE'S DEAD SWEET--AH

MANAGEMENT, THEY'D THROW A FUSSAH

IF I TALKED— (_she looks at _**THE DOCTOR**)

I'D STRANGELY LIKE TO MUSSAH

YOUR HAIR—AH

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, DRESS HAS ALWAYS BEENAH

MY STRONGEST SUIT.AH

[**SOLOMON **_goes back to Hooverville. _**MARTHA **_helps _**TALLULAH **_gets dressed for the show._

**MARTHA. **COR, YOU ARE QUITE THE GLAM ONE**TALLULAH.** OOH OOH OOH AH

**TALLULAH. **YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MAN? **MARTHA. **OOH OOH OOH AH

ONE

HOPES THE TEENY BOPPERS OOH OOH OOH AH

GET MY LINEOOH OOH OOH AH

GET YOUR LINE

WHEN I HINT THAT HE MAY BEOOH OOH OOH AH

THE SLIGHTEST BIT, WELL, FEY. HE--OOH OOH OOH AH

**MARTHA. **–CAN'T BE! HE'S FINE! **TALLULAH. **OOH OOH OOH AH

YES, HE'S FINE . . .

[**TALLULAH **_goes on stage. Elaborate, sexy devil-angel 1930s dance number. Costumes galore._

**PARODY WRITER. **DRESS HAS ALWAYS BEEN THEIR STRONGEST SUITS!

[**MARTHA **_watching from the wings sees a shadowy Phantom figure. She trips across the stage to follow it._

_In the basement of the Empire State Building._

_Song. _**A STEP TOO FAR **

**THAY. **THE DALEKANIUM'S ATTACHED—

**JAST. **MERGING WITH HUMANS IS QUITE SICK

**SEC. **BUT YOU SEE THERE'S JUST FOUR,

THOUGH AT ONE POINT ONE WAS IT . . .

YOU'RE NOT THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING

YOU ARE HALF A STEP BEHIND,

ALWAYS HALF A STEP BEHIND.

OH OH OH **DIAGORAS. **No! Stop!

OH OH OH It's perverse!

OH OH OHIt's disturbing! No!

[**SEC **_absorbs _**DIAGORAS **_like a snail._

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**TALLULAH **_follow _**MARTHA **_down into the sewers._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M IN EVERY KIND OF TROUBLE

I JUST REALIZED THE GREEN BLOB

IS A SKARO-BASED ASSASSIN—

**FANS. **OI, SHERLOCK! NOT A BAD JOB!

[**THE DOCTOR **_shushes _**TALLULAH **_as a Dalek glides past. _**MARTHA **_and _**FRANK **_are lined up with other people. _**LASZLO **_and _**TALLULAH **_reunite._

(Lloyd Webber/Hart)

**TALLULAH. **Oh, Laszlo, it's not so bad. I can make you a mask out of a kettle an' some string, an'—

**LASZLO. **THIS FACE, WHICH EARNED THE VIEWERS' FEAR AND LOATHING—

**TALLULAH. **TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THE GARISH LIGHT OF DAY ...

DARE YOU TRUST THE MORALS OF RAYNOR?

**A STEP TOO FAR **Cont'd

**THAY. **NOW WE SCAN FOR INTELLIGENCE

THE QUICKER ONES, OUR NAZI PLAN

THE DUMBER ONES ARE PIG SLAVES

**MAN. **YOU CALLIN' ME STUPID, MAN?

**ALL. **IT'S ALL A BIT STUPID, MAN.

**THAY. **OH OH OH OH

**THAY & THE DOCTOR. **OH OH OH OH

OH OH OH OH

OH OH OH OH

[**MARTHA **_gets picked for high intelligence, _**THE DOCTOR **_follows her. They go up into the Empire State Building._

**MARTHA. **DALEKS, I DEMAND YOU ANSWER

WHAT IT IS I'VE GOT TO SAY

WHAT'S HAPPENING? VIEWERS ASK IT!

**DALEKS. **THE REBIRTH OF THE DALEK RACE,

THE REBIRTH OF THE DALEK RACE!

**THE DOCTOR. ****CAAN & JAST.SEC. **

PULL BACK THESEC'S NO LONGERMY HEAD'S A BIT CAM'RA, SEE EX-ONE OF US.OBSCENE.

WRIGGLING.

-PERIMENTSHE'S A SLIMYCAN YOU TAKE ME

AT WORK. THE DRECKSGIT. LET'S TRUSSSER'SLY? GIGGLING,

OF DALEK SCHEMES,HIM A MARTYR,BUT I'LL SHOW THEM

THIS HAS GOT TOSTAND BACK FORHALF AND HALF'S NOT

BE THE PITSCULT OF SKAROHALF BAD: (wipes his nose)

IN YOUR DREAMS!NOW WATCH MORE!MAN

AND DALEK SNOT.

**ALL. **DID WE TAKE A STEP TOO FAR?

[_Horrified, _**THE DOCTOR **_uses the sonic screwdriver to escape. _**THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, **_and _**FRANK **_run for the refuge of Hooverville. _**PIG SLAVES **_attack. _**JAST **_and _**CAAN **_fly over and shoot things._

**SOLOMON. **Come on, Daleks, sing with me now.

**CAAN. **What shall we sing?

**SOLOMON. **"If You're Happy and You Know It"?

**CAAN. **Negative.

**SOLOMON. **"It's a Small World"?

**CAAN. **Negative.

**SOLOMON. **I know, I got it. I got it.

KUMBAYA, MY LORD, KUMBABYA . . .

[_They shoot him. He dies._

**THE DOCTOR. **He was just trying to sing and look what you did to him.

**CAAN. **We prefer the Pointer Sisters.

**THE DOCTOR. **Over my dead body. (_thumps his chest_) C'mon, Daleks, kill me! Rawr!

**CAAN. **You will accompany us back to the laboratory.

**FRANK. **Uh, you mean LAHB-ra-tory. We're Americans, see?

**CAAN. **Whatever.

**MARTHA. **Doctor, can I come with you?

**THE DOCTOR. **No, fix people and take the psychic paper.

**MARTHA. **pout

[_In the laboratory, _**THE DOCTOR **_talks to _**SEC. LASZLO, **_masquerading as a Pig Slave, observes._

**SEC. **Our mission . . . to . . . seek out . . . new life, new . . . civilizations. To . . . boldly go . . . where . . . no . . . man-Dalek-hybrid-thing-with-wiggly-slightly-rude-tentacles has gone . . . before.

**THE DOCTOR. **Blimey, did you learn to speak from listening to William Shatner?

_Song. _**EVERY STORY (IS A LOVE STORY) **

**SEC. **EVERY STORY HAS AN ANGLE

I'M AN EXTENSION OF

"DALEK"'S TOUCHY-FEELY SLANT

I'M REACHING AND WE'RE ABOVE . . . .

THOSE DEATHS WERE WRONG.

**THE DOCTOR. **ACK! MY HEARTS!

**SEC. **GAMMA RAYS AND SOLAR FLARE—

DOESN'T MATTER—GIVE US A HAND?

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M TOUCHED—BUT DO I DARE?

[**THE DOCTOR **_works hurriedly to prepare a solution with the Dalekanium in place._

**THE DOCTOR. **With seven minutes to go—why isn't it working?

(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**CAAN & JAST. **FOOLS, FOOLS, GODDAMN YOUR RULES!

[_They mutiny. _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**LASZLO **_escape to the top of the building. Meanwhile, _**MARTHA, FRANK, **_and _**TALLULAH **_enter at ground level._

_Song. _**EASY AS LIFE **

**MARTHA. **ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PRETEND I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS USE THIS PAPER TO EFFECT

TELL MYSELF THE SIDEKICK ROLE'S THE MORE FUN ONE

**TALLULAH. **BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, GIRL,

BEING BLONDE IS EASY TO PERFECT.

IT'S EASY

**MARTHA. **IT'S EASY!

[_On the mast, _**THE DOCTOR **_is trying to sonic the Dalekanium off._

**THE DOCTOR. **ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DROP MY SONIC SCREWDRIVER (_he drops it_)

**PARODY WRITER. **TO THE CONSEQUENTIAL DELIGHT

OF ALL WHO WATCH THE SHOW

**THE DOCTOR. **BETTER TO—AAHH!

[_He gets electrocuted by lightning as he clings to the mast._

**THE DOCTOR. **IT'S EASY, singe

IT'S EASY.

[_He falls._

**MARTHA. **NOW WATCH ME MAKE A MAKESHIFT LIGHTNING ROD

AND FRY TO CRISPY BACON BITS THESE PIG SLAVES

I CONFESS I FEEL A LITTLE BAD ABOUT IT

BUT YOU SEE, THE DOCTOR SAVES[_makes the sign of the cross_

**MARTHA, FRANK, TALLULAH, **_and _**LASZLO. **IT'S EASY,

IT'S EASY!

[_They fry the _**PIG SLAVES.** **THE DOCTOR **_wakes up._

**THE DOCTOR. **It's time to go to the theatre!

[_Underground, the _**DALEK-HUMAN HYBRIDS **_march in, followed by _**JAST, THAY, **_and _**SEC **_in chains._

**THE DOCTOR. **ALL I HAVE TO DO IS REMARK UPON YOUR THICKNESS

YOU STUPID CULT OF SKARO, JUST INVENTED ON A WHIM—

**THAY. **BETTER TO DISPOSE OF THIS MEDDLING TIME LORD!

**SEC. **NO! HE'S ALL I EVER WANTED AND I GIVE MY LIFE FOR HIM!

[**SEC **_steps in the way of the laser blast meant for _**THE DOCTOR **_and dies._

**THE DOCTOR. **(_enraged_) IT'S EASY

IT'S EASY AS LIFE!

**JAST. **Kill the Doctor!

**HYBRID. **But why?

**THE DOCTOR. **Some of my contrary Time Lord DNA got mixed in, nanny nanny boo boo.

**MARTHA. **Wait, does that mean if they all put on glasses they will be unimaginably hot?

[_Before they get a chance to test this theory, the _**HYBRIDS **_start firing on the _**DALEKS **_who fire on them. _**THAY **_and _**JAST **_are destroyed before _**CAAN **_initiates a self-destruct sequence._

**CAAN. **IT'S EASY!

**THE DOCTOR. **IT'S BLOODY

IT'S BLOODY

IT'S BLOODY AS HOLMES!

[**THE DOCTOR **_confronts _**CAAN.**

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm so compassionate it'll make you sick.

**CAAN. **Emergency Temporal Shift, suckah!

**THE DOCTOR. **CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

[_The Dalek disappears. _**LASZLO **_falls dying to the floor._ _Muzetta's Waltz from _La Bohème.

**TALLULAH. **Oh my God, what's happening?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_with a Bogart accent_) I hate to tell ya, kid, but he's dying.

**TALLULAH. **He CAN'T be!

**THE DOCTOR. **Igor, I mean, Martha, get me an Abby Normal brain. We're bringin' him back to life!!

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_return to Central Park with _**TALLULAH, LASZLO, **_and _**FRANK.**

**FRANK. **You two can stay in Hooverville.

**TALLULAH. **Nah, I think we're goin' to Coney Island so Laszlo can be the main attraction in the freak show.

**MARTHA. **There's someone for everyone, I guess.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, Marfa, whatever happened to subtlety?

**MARTHA. **Will we see Caan again?

**THE DOCTOR. **Butter my buns and call me a biscuit, yes. But not this season.

Next time: "The Lazarus Experiment" (_Jesus Christ Superstar_)


	6. The Lazarus Experiment

VI. scene five. The Lazarus Experiment. (_Jesus Christ Superstar_)

All songs (Lloyd Webber/Rice) unless otherwise indicated.

[_The _**TARDIS **_lands in _**MARTHA**_'s bedroom. _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_step out._

**THE DOCTOR. **I think we've stretched the definition of one trip about as far as it will go.

**MARTHA. **How can you leave me now? We've still got half the season to go! (_shoves her laundry at him_) Here, I'll give you a peek of my knickers!

[**MARTHA**_'s landline rings._

**THE DOCTOR. **You gonna answer that?

**MARTHA. **If I don't I'll be insouciant AND move the plot along. It's my mum. She says Tish is on TV.

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **See how I manipulate all forms of media? Er, wait, I didn't write this one.

[**MARTHA **_turns on the TV. Her sister _**TISH **_is on TV next to _**DR LAZARUS**.

**THE DOCTOR. **Goodbye, Martha. It's been a pleasure, completing ignoring your feelings and breaking your heart at every turn.

**MARTHA. **But I thought things had kind of . . . escalated.

[_She throws herself around his leg and doesn't let go. _**THE DOCTOR **_ignores her and stares at _**LAZARUS**.

**THE DOCTOR. **Dammit, it looks like I'm going to have to stay, this dude with the waaay obvious name is going to change what it is to be human.

**MARTHA. **Score.

[_At Lazarus Labs. _**LADY THAW **_and _**LAZARUS **_plot._

_Song. _**EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT**

**LADY THAW. **TRY NOT TO GET WORRIED

TRY NOT TO TURN ONTO

THE FACT THIS IS SWANSEA MUSEUM, OH

DON'T YOU KNOW

EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT

YES, EVERYTHING'S FINE

'CAUSE OUR EXPERIMENT'S GOING TO WORK A TREAT

AND MR SAXON PAYS FOR IT ALL—IT'S SWEET!

NOW LET'S CUDDLE—LET'S NOT MUDDLE . . .

FORGET ALL ABOUT US TONIGHT.

**LAZARUS. **EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT,

EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT . . .

[**TISH **_walks in._

**LAZARUS. **MISS TICIA, I SHALL SOOTHE YOU

CALM YOU AND SMELL YOU—

**TISH. **THAT'S SOAP, YOU OLD PERVERT—BUT

EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT,

YES, EVERYTHING'S FINE . . .

[_At the reception, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_enter, dressed up._

**MARTHA. **YOU LOOK HOT IN A TUX AND IT'S FUN

NOW THAT I'M IN HEELS AND YOU'RE MY PLUS ONE

**THE DOCTOR. **MMMFFFMFFF, MFFRRFFMMFF1

AND LET ME EAT MY NIBBLES TONIGHT.

[_A string quartet plays "Cassandra's Waltz."_

**THE DOCTOR. **Does this make you think of San Francisco? A beryllium clock? 1999? A motorcycle chase?

**MARTHA. **No, it makes me think of the Welsh National Assembly Building.

[**MARTHA**_'s mom, _**FRANCINE, TISH, **_and her brother _**LEO **_walk over._

**THE DOCTOR. **HEY, MARTHA'S MUM, I'VE

HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU—

**TISH. **OMG, SIS, YOU'VE GOT A

SOCIAL LIFE—THIS GEEK'S

HOTTER THAN THE REST

**LEO. **YOU MAKE MY HEAD HURT, THE LOT OF

YOU—

**TISH. **EXCUSE ME, MY

SUGAR DADDY LAZARUS

IS ABOUT TO MAKE A SPEECH!

[**TISH **_scurries off to_** LAZARUS' **_side._

**LAZARUS. **In case you couldn't figure it out, I'm a mad scientist. I'm going to step into this lovely centrifuge and perform a miracle, aided by incompetent blonde women.

**BLONDE TECHNICIANS. **EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT,

EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT . . .

[**LAZARUS **_jumps into the machine. It starts to whirr and smoke. People gasp._

**THE DOCTOR. **She's gonna blow!

[**LAZARUS **_steps out, much younger._

**MARTHA. **Oh my God, he's turned into Mark Gatiss!

**LAZARUS. **I am seventy-six years old and have suddenly lost my acting ability!

_Song. _**KING HEROD'S SONG **

**LAZARUS. **Doctor . . . I am overjoyed

TO MEET YOU FACE TO FACE

YOU'VE BEEN EATING NIBBLES

ALL AROUND THE PLACE

SAVING PEOPLE, RAISING FROM THE DEAD—

**THE DOCTOR. **AND NOW I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOD—

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE SAID.

**LAZARUS. **SO YOU ARE THE EXPERT,

YOU'RE THE GREAT TEST TUBE EXPERT,

_(grabs the sonic screwdriver) _COME ON, SHOW ME SOME SCREWS!

**THE DOCTOR. **LAZARUS, YOU JUST WON'T BELIEVE

THE MESS YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE—

**LAZARUS. **OH WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP

AND STUFF YOUR FACE WITH CAKE?

ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE HOW WRONG

YOU WERE. NOW I'LL PANT OVER MARTHA IN THIS SONG . . .

[_He kisses her hand and walks away._

**THE DOCTOR. **Like, ewwww.

**MARTHA. **DNA sample. You could have done that, but nooooo, you wanted the whole enchilada.

**THE DOCTOR. **blushes

[_They go to secretly conduct tests. Ooh. _**THE DOCTOR **_puts on his glasses. Thud._

**MARTHA. **What was that sound?

**EVAN. **The Parody Writer, fainting.

[_Upstairs._ **LAZARUS **_kisses _**LADY THAW**.

_Song. _**SUPERSTAR**

**BLONDE TECHNICIANS. **LAZARUS SUPERSTAR

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WHAT THEY SAY YOU ARE?

**LADY THAW. **EV'RYTIME I LOOK AT YOU, I WANT TO BE YOUNG,

FILTHY RICH, EMPOWERED, SMART, BUT I'M STUNG.

**LAZARUS. **IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA WASTE ANOTHER LIFETIME ON YOU—

I'D RATHER OVERACT AND CRACK MY NECK LIKE AN EMU.

MY NOISES ARE CRUNCHY AS I TRANSFORM

CHEWING SCENERY AS IN CGI I'M REBORN.

**BLONDE TECHNICIANS. **DON'T YOU GET ME WRONG,

DON'T YOU GET ME WRONG . . .

[**LAZARUS **_transforms into a giant scorpion thing and kills _**LADY THAW**.

**BLONDE TECHNICIANS. **LAZARUS SUPERSKIZZ,

IS THE CGI AS BAD AS I THINK IT IS?

[_Downstairs at the reception._

_Song. _**I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HATE HIM (I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM) **

**FRANCINE. **I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THIS

MARTHA'S GOT HER SCHOOLING

THAT I'VE PAID FOR WITH MY BILLIONS . . .

(_to _**LEO **_and _**TISH**) HAVE EITHER OF YOU HEARD OF

THIS DOCTOR FOOL?

SHE'S BOUND TO BE HIS TOOL!

[**LAZARUS **_comes down in a new suit and takes _**TISH**_'s hand._

**LAZARUS. **Mrs. Jones, I'm going to seduce your daughter.

**FRANCINE. **You go right ahead. I'm more concerned about the Doctor.

[_He takes her to the roof. _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_run downstairs._

**THE DOCTOR. **I've got to spill a drink on your mother . . . (_does so_)

**MARTHA. **. . . Laterz!

**MYSTERIOUS MAN. ** Let me ply you with alcohol, Mrs. Jones, and deepen stereotypes about overprotective mothers.

[_On the roof._

**TISH. **I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

WHAT TO DO, HOW TO TAKE THIS

YOU'VE BEEN CHANGED, YES, REALLY CHANGED.

YOUR WRINKLES GONE, MY MIND A POND

FOR DITZY GOINGS-ON,

AND I'M NOT BLONDE!

[_She touches his face._

Wow. Smooth as a baby's bottom. You could sell aftershave.

**LAZARUS. **That's the positronic energy. Go on, make a crack about Catherine Zeta-Jones.

**TISH. **'Kay.

**LAZARUS. **A quote by T. S. Eliot—

**THE DOCTOR. **(_having come up to the roof with _**MARTHA**) –which I know better than you, suckah!

**MARTHA. **Tish . . . that's like cradle-robbing!

**TISH. **If I like saggy jowls, why do you always have to spoil it for me?

[**LAZARUS **_transforms. They run away, tripping security lockdown._

**KING HEROD'S SONG **Cont'd.

**THE DOCTOR. **LAZARUS, YOU JUST WON'T BELIEVE

THE HIT YOU'VE MADE ROUND HERE

YOU ARE ALL THEY TALK ABOUT,

YOU'RE THE WONDER OF THE YEAR.

OH WHAT A PITY THAT YOUR CGI

IS WOEFULLY ACHIEVED—I SIGH!

[_He gives _**MARTHA **_the sonic screwdriver. They try to break up the reception._

**THE DOCTOR. **Everyone get out!

**PARODY WRITER. **Exhibit A of how writers punish those who dare to utter stupid lines.

**ANNOYING WOMAN. **The most danger we're likely to be in is from choking on an olive.

[**LAZARUS **_kills her._

**LEO. **Doh, I think I'm going to suffer from a concussion!

[_He falls over. _**MARTHA **_helps him, her mother, and everyone get out of the building._

**FRANCINE. **SO WHO IS THIS GUY,

MR. WONDERFUL GUY?

PROVE TO ME THAT HE'S WORTHWHILE—

STICK AROUND AND TALK AWHILE!

[**MARTHA **_runs back into the building to help. A light bulb appears over _**TISH**_'s head and goes on._

**TISH. **Maybe she loves him.

**FRANCINE. **I AM WAITING!

YES, I'M A CAPTIVE FAN.

I'M DYING TO BE SHOWN—

[**MYSTERIOUS MAN **_whispers dreadful things in her ear. _

_In a chemistry lab, the "007" theme tune plays. _**THE DOCTOR **_jumps and dodges a fireball, falling onto a mattress. _**THE FANS **_applaud._

**MARTHA. **Doctor!

**BLONDE TECHNICIANS. **EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT,

EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Shut UP! Oh, Martha, how do you fancy me looking up your dress?

**MARTHA. **What?!

[_He grabs her hand and pulls her into the centrifuge._

**THE DOCTOR. **He's a missing evolutionary link, isn't he?

**MARTHA. **Er, Doctor, I've studied biology and _that_'s not the missing link.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, no[_He bends down to reach something with the sonic screwdriver. They cram together in the tight space._

**MARTHA. **Be still . . . my . . . heart . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, look at you! You've got proper companion shoes! I'm dead chuffed!

[**LAZARUS **_roars from outside._

**FANS. **Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!

**LAZARUS. **whomp

[**MARTHA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_walk out to finid _**LAZARUS**' _dead human body on the floor._

**MARTHA. **Ewww. Can we go back in there?

**THE DOCTOR. **No!

[_They rush outside, where _**FRANCINE **_slaps _**THE DOCTOR.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Did you know that slapping can be considered fore-- [_She slaps him again._ Have you been hanging around Catherine Tate?

[_The ambulance crashes in front of Southwark Cathedral. _**THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, **_and _**TISH **_run after him._

**FRANCINE. **How come my kids only listen to me if they're unconscious?

[_In the cathedral, _**THE DOCTOR **_confronts the human _**LAZARUS. THE DOCTOR **_does a good smoulder._

**THE DOCTOR. **Wrapped in liturgical robes, I see. Subtext?

_Song. _**I ONLY WANT TO SAY (GETHSEMANE) **

**LAZARUS. **I ONLY WANT TO SAY IF THERE IS A WAY

I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER

'CAUSE IN THE BLITZ I HID HERE

DEEPLY DISTURBING FOR MY PSYCHE—

I'M AS SURE AS WHEN I STARTED

**THE DOCTOR. **ONCE YOU WERE INSPIRED,

BUT AFTER MILLENNIA, YOU'RE TIRED.

AFTER ALL, I'VE TRIED FOR 2 SEASONS—

FEELS LIKE FORTY—

IF YOU DON'T REPENT, YOU'LL END UP ALL ALONE!

[**LAZARUS **_transforms. _**MARTHA **_and _**TISH **_run up to the bell tower. There they meet _**QUASIMODO. **_The cute Disney version._

**QUASIMODO. **Hi. Let me introduce you to the bells. Anna, Sophia—

**TISH. **What?!

**MARTHA. **We don't have time for this!

[_She pushes past him as _**LAZARUS **_crashes through. _**THE DOCTOR **_sits at the pipe organ and starts to play—you guessed it—the Overture to _Phantom of the Opera. **LAZARUS **_falls to the ground, dead, his old human self._

**MARTHA. **What did you do?!

**THE PHANTOM OF THE MUSICAL **(Alessandrini)

**THE DOCTOR. **THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS HERE

SO DON'T BE A HATER.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS HERE—

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

[_Back at _**MARTHA**_'s flat._

**THE DOCTOR. **So, you wanna come on one more trip?

**SUPERSTAR **Cont'd.

**MARTHA. **DOCTOR WHO, SUPERSTAR,

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WHO THEY SAY YOU ARE?

DOCTOR WHO, DOCTOR WHO

DO YOU THINK I'LL PUT UP WITH YOU?

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay, if that's what you want . . .

**MARTHA. **emo

[**FRANCINE **_calls _**MARTHA.**

**FRANCINE. **Martha! Harold Saxon! OMG!

[**MARTHA **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_fly off for more adventures. A rousing musical send off. Curtain. Buy some ice cream during the interval._

1 Translation: Shove off, Martha …


	7. 42

VII. Act Two. Scene One. 42. (_RENT_)

All songs (Larson) unless otherwise indicated. This scene is dedicated to peteliske because I know she loves _RENT. _

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_inside the TARDIS. _The Weakest Link-_like music plays._

**THE DOCTOR. **Key. Frequent flyer privilege. (_throws it to her_)

**MARTHA. **Is sex part of the frequent flyer privileges too?

**THE DOCTOR. **Er, no. But I do give your phone an upgrade.

[_They land on a spaceship and walk out into it._

**MARTHA. **It's hot in here. I think it's a good opportunity to show off my incredible biceps.

**THE DOCTOR. **Quite.

[_Dalek choral music crashes in as crew members grab _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA, **_pull them into a room, and slam the door shut._

_Song. _**PUB QUIZ (RENT) **

**CHRIS CHIBNALL. **HOW DO YOU AMP UP A KID'S

SHOW THAT'S GETTING OLDER EACH DAY?

ATTENTION LEAVING—START BELIEVING, ACHIEVING,

DECEIVING—A 42, SAY,

QUIZ!

**MCCONNELL. **HOW DO YOU LIKE MY TOIL, I'M COVERED IN OIL?

**THE DOCTOR. **THE ENGINES ARE DEAD—

**SCANNELL. **LIKE SHE JUST SAID,

IT'S SULTRY HOT, "IMPOSS'BLE PLANET" WE'RE NOT,

THOUGH THAT'S A CGI SUN AHEAD! (_points out the window_)

**THE DOCTOR. **Oooh, shiny. [_He puts on his glasses._

IT'S THE TARANGI SYSTEM—

**MARTHA. **HE'S NOT LISTENIN'!

**MCCONNELL. **HOW WE GONNA PLAY,

HOW WE GONNA PLAY,

**MCCONNELL & SCANNELL. **HOW WE GONNA PLAY

THIS PUB QUIZ?

[**RILEY **_runs in._

**MARTHA. **Hey, you're kind of cute.

**THE DOCTOR. **Marfa, we don't have time for this! Where's the TARDIS?

**MCCONNELL. **Gone. Duh.

[**THE DOCTOR **_makes a Troughton face in protest._

**RILEY. **EITHER WE'RE IDIOTS, OR IT'S A PLOT CONCEIT—

THE PUB QUIZ IS CULT'RALLY PROFOUND.

THIS THING WILL GENERATE CLUES THAT YOU HAVE TO DO

TO GET THIS SHIP TURNED AROUND!

MARTHA, WASSUP?

**MARTHA. **YO, SIGN ME UP! (_sticks her tongue out at _**THE DOCTOR**)

WE ARE GONNA PLAY,

WE ARE GONNA PLAY,

**MARTHA & RILEY. **WE ARE GONNA PLAY

THIS PUZ QUIZ!

[_She wipes some baby oil off _**RILEY **_and smears it on her arm, looks voluptuously at _**THE DOCTOR**.

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, I think they've got that covered. Shall the rest of us retire to the main engine room?

[_In the main engine room. _**MARTHA **_calls them up._

**MARTHA. **HOW CAN YOU ANSWER THAT? IT'S MATHS CRAP

THOUGH I'M NOT HALF-BAD—OOH, DOCTOR, PLEASE?

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR PUNY BRAIN'S GIVING ME A PAIN—

ALL OF YOU, INSANE! AND WHAT'S MORE—

**EVERYONE. **GEEZ!

[_Elsewhere._

**RILEY. **WHERE'D YOU DIG HIM UP?

**MARTHA. **OH, SHUT UP.

**THE DOCTOR. **320 X 7,

THE SQUARE ROOT IS 11,

DIVIDED IS . . . 4! THEN!

YOUR STUPID PUB QUIZ!

**MARTHA. **Did you know The Beatles were on _Doctor Who _in the '60s?

**RILEY. **What are Be-AT-les?

**MARTHA. **That's just what Susan said! I'm calling up my mum.

[**FRANCINE **_picks up back in contemporary London._

**FRANCINE. **MARTHA, BABY, YOU SOUND SAD—

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE—

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU WITH A PUB QUIZ?

THAT'S CALLED CHEATING IN THE LONG RUN!

[_In the main engine room, they get a call from the medics._

**ABI LERNER. **KORWIN, _YOUR HUSBAND, _IS HAVING FITS—

**MCCONNELL. **WHO, WHAT, WHEN? I'M IN DENIAL—

**ABI LERNER. **I'VE NOT GOT LONG LEFT, I'M LOSING IT—

**KORWIN. **AH! AH! I'M BURNING!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU'RE IN DENIAL!

**GRAEME HARPER. **ZOOM IN AS THEY BURN THEIR FLESH—

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **AND I'M HEARING THE SOUND OF JINGLING CHANGE—

[_They run into the medical area. _**KORWIN **_is thrashing around._

**THE DOCTOR. **Hello?

**ABI LERNER. **Hello?

**MCCONNELL. **Hello?

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS EQUIPMENT WON'T WORK?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE STRANGE?

**ABI LERNER. **I'm Black, beautiful, and a minor character, therefore expendable. Do you think I care about the equipment?!

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, er, find out what's wrong with him.

[_They leave _**ABI LERNER **_and _**KORWIN **_to it. Weird light comes out of _**KORWIN**_'s eyes._

_Song. _**I'LL BURN WITH YOU (I'LL COVER YOU)**

**KORWIN. **I'VE GOT NO PART, YOU'VE GOT NONE EITHER

YOURS IS TO DISSOLVE, MINE IS TO MONSTER—

MAKE IT EASY AND BURN WITH ME?

[_He disintegrates her. He then finds a welding mask from somewhere and puts it on. He staggers off. _**THE DOCTOR, SCANNELL, **_and _**MCCONNELL **_run in._

**SCANNELL. **Stylish wall decal over there. Unusual shape.

**THE DOCTOR. **This was clearly the work of the possessed Korwin.

**MCCONNELL. **(_with a glazed look_) No! No! Marcus!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_shakes her_) Snap out of it! We're not in "Pyramids of Mars"!

[_Elsewhere, _**KORWIN **_comes up on _**ERINA.**

**ERINA. **BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, I HAD POTENTIAL—

**KORWIN. **BUT I'VE GOT BAD NEWS TO LAY AT YOUR DOOR—

[_He disintegrates her. He comes up on _**ASHTON **_next._

**KORWIN. **AND SWEAT AND HEAT I'VE GOT TO SPARE—

**ASHTON. **I'LL BE THERE AND I'LL BURN WITH YOU!

[**ASHTON **_becomes possessed like _**KORWIN**.

**KORWIN. **Put this on, you'll be so much more color-coordinated.

[**ASHTON **_puts on an identical welding mask. They stumble off to menace _**RILEY **_and _**MARTHA. RILEY **_is giving a bored _**MARTHA **_hickeys before they see the possessed _**ASHTON.**

**RILEY. **Watch out! I can see from his Adam's-apple-acting that he's not very pleased!

**MARTHA. **Quick! Let's hide in this escape pod, not dangerous at all!

[_They hide in the escape pod, but _**ASHTON **_tries to send them hurtling off into space._

**RILEY. **I THINK THEY MEANT IT

WHEN THEY SAID THIS WAS TRICKY—

HOW DO YOU DISARM IT?

**MARTHA. **HOLD ON, I'LL CHECK ON WIKI.

**RILEY. **C'MON . . .

**MARTHA. **C'MON!

[**ASHTON **_destroys the system._

**COMPUTER. **Door ajar! Door ajar! Door ajar!

**MARTHA. **Damn.

[_They start floating toward the sun._

[**THE DOCTOR **_runs in just in time to see _**MARTHA **_drifting away toward the sun. _**CLANNAD **_begins singing as _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_mouth at each other._

_Song. _**I WILL FIND YOU **(Brennan)

**CLANNAD. **NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO,

MY HEART IS WITH YOU,

IN THE PLACE OF NO FRONTIER . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **(_as he dons a spacesuit_) _Mohican, phonetically transcribed as: _Nunsechuck! Yokeshownockatellawack! C'mon, Mohican woods-weenies, this way!1

**CLANNAD. **NOTHING LASTS FOR GOOD . . .

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO,

MY HEART IS WITH YOU!

**FANS. **That's the same suit from "The Impossible Planet"!

**THE DOCTOR. **Do shut up! (_sticks his tongue out, then licks the wall_) I'm going out there now! No one try and stop me! (_No one does_) Oh, blast.

_Song. _**WITHOUT YOU**

**MARTHA. **RILEY, YOU

GOT FRIENDS? YOU GOT FOLKS? YOU GOT LOVE?

**RILEY. **WITHOUT IT.

MARTHA, YOU?

**MARTHA. **I GOT MUM, I GOT DAD, I GOT TISH . . .

**RILEY. **YOUR EYES GLEAM . . .

**MARTHA. **IT WOULD SEEM I'M CRYING,

HERE WITH YOU.

**RILEY. **THE POD TURNS, THE SUN BURNS . . .

**MARTHA. **. . . BUT I DIE WITHOUT YOU!

[_She picks up her phone and calls her mom._

**MARTHA. **WITHOUT YOU,

MY HEART ACHES, I MISS HOME, I WANT MUM!

**FRANCINE. **WITHOUT YOU,

I'M BEING TAPPED, I'M BEING USED, ABUSED . . .

**MARTHA. **IT'S DRAMATIC, IT'S OPERATIC, WITHOUT YOU . . . (_hangs up_)

I'M ROSE REDUX, BUT INSTEAD YOU [_to _**THE DOCTOR**

WANT TO BE, WITHOUT ME . . .

[_Throws her arms around _**RILEY**_'s neck and gives him a hickey. _

_Outside, _**THE DOCTOR **_tries manually to set off the magnetic pull._

**GRAEME HARPER. **Act, David! _Act! _I know it's hard . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so method!

[**THE DOCTOR **_recovers the pod and looks into the sun. He stumbles back inside the spaceship._

_Song. _**STAY AWAY (OUT TONIGHT)**

**MCCONNELL. **WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, IT SHOULD BE PRETTY CLEAR!

THE SUN IS TALKIN' TO ME—IT SAYS, TIME FOR DANGER!

IT SAYS I WANT TO PAIN PROLONG,

'CAUSE _YOU _DIDN'T SCAN FOR LIFE!

I WANNA PUT ON THIS TIGHT SKIRT AND FLIRT—

Wait, hang on a second.

**SCANNELL. **THIS IS STRANGER!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU'VE HAD A KNACK FOR PAYBACK—

THE SUN'S ALIVE AND YOU TRAWLED ITS HEART!

FESS UP! GIVE IN! YOU'RE DRENCHED IN SIN

AND WHAT YOU DID ISN'T SMART!

[**MARTHA **_and _**RILEY **_run in._

**MARTHA. **YOU DON'T NEED ANY MONEY,

YOU GET A SHOW FOR FREE!

**THE DOCTOR. **AND YOU CAN GET IN TOO,

IF YOU BED WITH ME!

**MARTHA. **What?!

**THE DOCTOR. **Er, _burn _with me!

YOU MUST

STAY AWAY

YOU MUST

STAY AWAY

YOU WANNA PLAY, LET'S RUN AWAY

ON FLAME YOU'LL BE

AND ON FLAME YOU'LL STAY . . . STAY AWAY!

[_He collapses. _**MARTHA **_takes him to the cryostasis chamber in the medical section._

**PUB QUIZ, **Cont'd.

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW CAN YOU LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND

WHEN IT KEEPS FINDING WAYS TO GET IN YOUR HEARTS?

**MARTHA. **IT REACHES WAY DOWN DEEP

AND TEARS YOU INSIDE OUT 'TIL YOU'RE TORN APART.

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW MARFA, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN—

**MARTHA**. OH NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE ON ME!

WHAT BINDS THE VIEWERS TO WATCH US

THROUGH THE RAGING VIEWING WARS IS WHAT YOU SEE!

**THE DOCTOR**. FREEZE THE SUN OUT, WATCH THE AUDIENCE POUT

**MARTHA. **SCREAM A WHOLE LOT 'TIL YOUR VOICE IS SHOT

**THE DOCTOR. **NO ONE CAN CRY AND RANT QUITE LIKE I!

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **WHAT THEY DEMAND IS WE SHOW OUR HAND!

[**RILEY **_is off doing the pub quiz on his own._

**RILEY. **WILL NO ONE HELP ME PLAY?

**SCANNELL. **I WILL HELP YOU PLAY . . .

**MARTHA. **I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY . . .

**ALL THREE. **THIS IS SEASON THREE,

SEASON THREE,

PUB QUIZ, PUB QUIZ, PUB QUIZ, PUB QUIZ—

WE'RE NOT GONNA GET BURNT!

**THE DOCTOR. **'CAUSE EVERYTHING, OW, HURTS!

[**MCCONNELL **_lures _**KORWIN **_to the airlock._

_Song. _**TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME**

**KORWIN. **TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM . . .

**MCCONNELL. **THE SHELL OF SOMEONE DEAD?

**KORWIN. **AND IF YOU GIVE A DAMN . . .

[_She grabs him and jumps out the airlock._

**BOTH. **TAKE ME, BABY, OR LEAVE ME!

**FANS. **Cor.

**MARTHA. **Vent the fuel!

[**RILEY **_and _**SCANNELL **_do so. _**THE DOCTOR **_recovers. The ship is back on course._

_Song. _**SEASONS OF WHO (SEASONS OF LOVE)**

**MARTHA. **FIVE HUNDRED-TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND-SIX-HUNDRED FANBOYS

WOULD LIKE TO SEE ME KISS SOMEONE, SO IT—

[**RILEY **_kisses _**MARTHA. THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_leave. She makes a 'call me?' gesture at _**RILEY**.

**THE DOCTOR. **Marfa, what's that on your neck?

**FANS. **IN CHEWED NAILS, IN FRAYED NERVES, IN DVDS, IN CUPS OF COFFEE

IN FANZINES, IN PODCASTS, IN A THOUSAND BLOGS ONLINE—

HOW DO YOU MEASURE FORTY YEARS OF LIFE?

HOW ABOUT _WHO? _

HOW ABOUT _WHO? _

HOW ABOUT YOU?

[_All the _**FANS **_run into the TARDIS and hug _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA.**

**ALL. **SEASONS OF LOVE,

SEASONS OF _WHO . . . _

[_Back in London, a _**MYSTERIOUS WOMAN **_thanks _**FRANCINE**.

**MYSTERIOUS WOMAN. **Mr. Saxon will be very pleased. He loves musicals.

**FRANCINE. **I'll bet he does!

Next time: "Human Nature/The Family of Blood" (_The Secret Garden_)

1 Private joke. Don't ask.


	8. Human NatureThe Family

Scene two. Human Nature/The Family of Blood (_The Secret Garden_)

All songs (Norman/Simon) unless otherwise indicated.

[_Shocking, disparate light in the TARDIS as _**THE DOCTOR **_shouts at _**MARTHA.**

_Song. _**HOW IN THE WORLD (WHERE IN THE WORLD) **

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW I SEE YOUR REFLECTION

IN THIS FOB WATCH, QUITE INANE—

**MARTHA. **STILL MY MIND WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT

IN IT YOUR TIME LORD-NESS WILL REMAIN.

**THE DOCTOR. **Bad news, Marfa. My conveniently anonymous pursuers are dying but they can sniff me across the universe—

**MARTHA. **Hold on, you don't smell _that _bad!

**THE DOCTOR. **So I've got to become human and hide out for three months.

**MARTHA. **Will it hurt?

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh yes, scream-acting galore. And the chameleon arch is a bit of bondage reminiscent of the TV movie.

**MARTHA. **I missed that one.

**THE DOCTOR. **Shame. Well, tootles, I've given you all the necessary instructions on pre-World War I etiquette, though I hope you don't mind working as a housemaid for awhile.

**MARTHA. **What?!

[_He starts screaming. Close curtain. Open curtain. _**MARTHA **_as a maid puts a tray of breakfast next to a bed._

**MARTHA. **NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE, THEN TURN AND

A STRANGER'S FORM AND FACE .

MUST I CARRY TEA, TORMENTED?

WHEN THE HELL CAN I LEAVE THIS PLACE?

Mr. Smith?

[**THE DOCTOR **_now _**JOHN SMITH, **_gets out of bed._

**SMITH. **Oh hello, Martha, my ostensible maid. Will you rattle off the date just so everyone's clear?

**MARTHA. **1913, we're in Farringham School, and you're a schoolteacher.

**SMITH. **Ah, very good, although this is actually Singleton Abbey.

**MARTHA. **In Swansea, sir?

**SMITH. **Oh yes.

**PARODY WRITER. **Score.

[**THE DOCTOR **_in flashback._

**THE DOCTOR. **WHERE CAN I GO WHERE THEY WON'T FIND ME?

WHY CAN'T I FIND A PLACE TO HIDE?

**MARTHA. **OF COURSE YOU MUST MEAN THE FAN GIRLS—

[_End of flashback._

**SMITH. **MARTHA, TELL ME WHAT'S INSIDE?

**MARTHA. **ME?

[_He hands her a book, a Journal of Impossible Things._

**SMITH. **HOW IN THE WORLD, TELL ME, HOW IN THE WORLD

DID I BECOME SUCH A GOOD ARTIST?

**MARTHA. **I KNOW, YOU'RE RUBBISH AT PICTIONARY!

I MEAN—SIR, THESE ARE FANTASIES!

I'm going to go polish some silver. Or something.

**SMITH. **Oh, Martha, won't you assist me with my bath? I'd like it drawn up right away.

**MARTHA. **Er . . . no, sir, I'm afraid that wouldn't be proper!

[_She runs out and starts scrubbing the floor with her fellow maid _**JENNY. HUTCHINSON, **_a priggish school boy, walks by._

**HUTCHINSON. **I'm racist, classist, sexist, and a boor! How's that for stereotype?

**MARTHA. **(_under her breath_) Patriarchy, prophetic doom, blah, blah. Someday, I'm gonna take that mofo down, Jenny.

**JENNY. **Oh, Martha, you are queer!

[_Upstairs in a boys' dormitory, _**TIM LATIMER **_is cleaning _**HUTCHINSON**_'s boots with his tongue._

_Song. _**THERE'S A BOY (THERE'S A GIRL)**

**LATIMER. **THERE'S A BOY WHO NO ONE SEES

THOUGH HE'S GOT FREAKY ESP

ANOTHER WORLD WAR ONE REFERENCE

AND I USED TO BE IN _LOVE ACTUALLY . . . _

AND I USED TO BE IN _LOVE ACTUALLY . . . _

[**BAINES **_the Prefect comes in._

**HUTCHINSON. **Booze?

**BAINES. **Booze!

[_He walks out again. Outside he walks into an invisible spaceship._

**BAINES. **Oooh, I'm in "Shada"[_Walks inside the spaceship._ Oooh, I'm possessed!

[_Outside a village pub, _**MARTHA **_and _**JENNY **_drink beer._

**MARTHA. **We could get so wasted if we were allowed inside. Oh, look, an alien spaceship—I mean, a shooting star.

**JENNY. **Cor.

**MARTHA. **I wonder what Mr. Smith is doing right now.

**JENNY. **Oh you know him, he loves his musicals!

[_In the school, _**SMITH **_falls down the stairs carrying a bunch of books. Nurse _**JOAN REDFERN **_comes to his rescue._

**JOAN. **Dude.

**SMITH. **Duuude.

**JOAN. **There's, like, a dance.

**SMITH. **I'm totally there.

[_Strange music plays as _**MARTHA **_bicycles through the woods to commune with the TARDIS. She turns on a recording of _**THE DOCTOR**.

**THE DOCTOR. **And don't forget to clean my toenails.

**MARTHA. **Oh, bloody hell.

[**SMITH **_invites _**TIM LATIMER **_into his study._

**SMITH. **In a dignified voice I shall tell you about machismo and hypocrisy.

[**LATIMER **_takes the fob watch._

**LATIMER. **Sir, I think we've wandered into Sleepy Hollow.

[_Outside, Scarecrows grab a farmer and a little girl with a balloon._

**PARODY WRITER. **Covert "Remembrance of the Daleks" reference?

**PAUL CORNELL. **Duh.

[**SMITH **_and _**JOAN **_take a walk._

_Song. _**A NURSE IN THE VALLEY (A GIRL IN THE VALLEY)**

**JOAN. **A NURSE THAT CAME TO THIS VALLEY

A WIDOW BUT QUITE A FOX

A NURSE THAT WORKS AT THIS SCHOOL—

**SMITH. **OH, LOOK: ROCKS!

A MAN WHO CAME FROM NOTTINGHAM

BUT LEARNED TO DRAW ON THE FLY

IS ABOUT TO THROW A CRICKET BALL

AND MAKE YOU SIGH!

[**SMITH **_throws a cricket ball and saves a baby in a pram from being smashed by a piano._

**JOAN. **Oh, excellent, John, you smashed a piano!

**SMITH. **Though it's a non-sequitur . . .

**JOAN. **I bet you have a girl in every fireplace!

[_They go back to the school and talk intimately in a dark room._ **MARTHA **_barges in._

**JOAN. **You should tell your servants to knock.

**MARTHA. **(_under her breath_) You Edwardian cow.

[_She leaves. _**JOAN **_holds out a watch pin to _**SMITH**.

**JOAN. **John . . . I want you to draw me wearing this.

**SMITH. **All right.

**JOAN. **Wearing _only _this.

[_The _Titanic _theme begins to play._

**SMITH. **Er, okay, Joan, but that's going to hurt pinned to your bare flesh.

[_She grabs him and kisses him._

**PARODY WRITER. **Jesus, does the Tenth Doctor exude pheromones or what?!

**EVAN & JAMIE. **You know you love it.

[**MARTHA **_sees them kissing and runs away._

_Song. _**THERE'S A GIRL **(reprise)

**MARTHA. **THERE'S A GIRL WHO NO ONE SEES

NAMED BENNY, SHE ONCE WAS,

NOW SHE'S ME AND IT'S NOT PRETTY . . .

MY HEART IS BREAKING 'CAUSE . . .

[_She runs into the possessed _**JENNY**.

**JENNY. **How about some onion in your tea, Martha?

[**MARTHA **_runs away and starts rummaging through _**SMITH**_'s room for the fob watch. _**SMITH **_and _**JOAN **_are shocked._

**A NURSE IN THE VALLEY, **Cont'd.

**MARTHA. **DON'T YOU GET IT,

YOUR PRETTY PICTURES,

COMPLETE WITH ROSE

AND HEAVILY MCGANN—

**SMITH. **WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M PAROCHIAL,

TIMID AND SWEET—

**MARTHA. **SHAKE OUT OF IT, MAN!

I'm sorry, Doctor, but I'm going to have to pull a Catherine Tate.

[_She slaps him._

**JOAN. **OH, OUTRAGE! THROW HER OUT—

**MARTHA. **THIS MAN'S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS—

**SMITH. **MARFA, GONNA HAVE TO DISMISS YOU—

**MARTHA. **IN YOUR DREAMS!

[_At the dance. Outside a Crimean War veteran sells _The Big Issue. _Inside _**SMITH **_and _**JOAN **_dance._

**SMITH. **ALL I OWN, I'D GIVE

**JOAN. **IS THAT A PEN OR—

**SMITH. **ALL I WOULD ASK IS—

**JOAN. **–ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME?

[**MARTHA **_runs in._

**MARTHA. **SONIC SCREW-

DRIVER! DOES IT MEAN

ANYTHING TO YOU?!

[_She waves it at _**SMITH.**

**SMITH. **All you had to say is you wanted to cut in.

**JOAN. **John, really!

**SMITH. **I mean—I'm very cross!

[**FATHER, BAINES/SON, SISTER, **_and _**JENNY/MOTHER **_storm in._

**MARTHA. **Are those meant to be vaporizers? They look like water guns.

**SON. **Allow me to demonstrate.

[_He vaporizes two of the guests. People scream._

**SON. **We want the Doctor, so change back!

**SMITH. **I WOULD . . .

[**SON **_grabs _**JOAN, MOTHER **_grabs _**MARTHA.**

**SON. **THERE WE WOULD, THERE WE WOULD . . .

**MOTHER. **THERE WE WOULD—

**MARTHA. **LET GO!

**SON. **IT'S NOT AN EASY DECISION

THAT'S IN THIS CLIFFHANGER CORNELL—

**SMITH. **I FIND I'M FACING DILEMMAS—

**SON. **I CAN TELL . . .

[_Suddenly _**LATIMER **_opens the watch, distracting _**THE FAMILY. MARTHA **_grabs a gun._

_Song. _**QUARTET**

**MARTHA. **YOU'D BETTER DO AS I SAY

'CAUSE I'M A BAD-ASS ACTION BROAD—

WHY CAN'T HE DO AS I WANT?

HE'S A RUBBISH HUMAN SOD.

**SON. **YOU SHOULD SEND THIS FAILED HUMAN CHUMP AWAY,

LEAVE THE HUNT TO US!

[**SMITH **_escorts all the guests out. _**MARTHA **_runs out after him. Back at the school_.

**MARTHA. **YOU CAN'T TELL THESE BOYS TO FIGHT

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WOULD DO

THE VIEWERS KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT

JOAN THINKS SO, TOO.

**HEADMASTER ROCASTLE. **I APPROVE, I'M A STEREOTYPE,

SO KIPLING

LET THEM GO

TO FIGHT THE FIGHT!

**JOAN. **NOW, I MUST INSULT YOU

WE'RE JEALOUS, US BOTH

'CAUSE HE'S A HOTTIE

IN TWEED OR SNEAKERS—

LIVE FOR HIM,

TEACH HIM KARATE . . .

**ROCASTLE. **BAINES

YOU

ROTTER!

SHAME!

**SMITH. **YOU'RE CRAZY.

DON'T SAY THAT

DON'T PLAY THAT

YOU'RE CRAZY

YOU APPROVE,

YOU KIPLING—

THEY WILL GO

TO FIGHT THE FIGHT!

**MARTHA. **KNOW THAT

I LOVE HIM

I'M SMART—

LIVE JUST TO HELP HIM

**SON. **YOU WEAK-MINDED FOOL!

MORE WORLD WAR ONE BLATHER.

PAUL CORNELL GAINS

A GREEN LIGHT FOR ALL!

[_Scarecrow soldiers prepare as weird music plays._

**SMITH. **

HOW CAN YOU THINK I'M

NOT REAL? OH ANGST!

I'LL MAKE YOU

CRY—A REAL CORNELL

WEEP-

-ER AGAIN!

DISAPPEAR!

**JOAN. **

YOU DON'T KNOW

ABOUT

YOUR PAST—

DON'T MAKE

THEM FIGHT, JOHN!

JOHN, THINK A-

-BOUT THE CHILDREN

THEY'RE JUST BOYS,

THEY'RE ONLY CHILDREN

**ROCASTLE.**

THEY MUST MARCH

THEY MUST FIGHT!

(_to _**SISTER**)

COME, DEAR . . .

**LATIMER.**

NOT NOW, SAYS THE WATCH

THE TIME'S NOT RIGHT.

I HAVE THE WATCH

WE'RE NOT CHILDREN

WE'RE ON THE BRINK OF DESTRUCTION.

[_The Scarecrows attack. _**SMITH **_can't fire his gun._

(R. Smith)

**SMITH. **BOYS DON'T CRY . . .

[_All the boys blubber. _**SISTER **_vaporizes _**ROCASTLE.**

**SMITH. **Oh, you so annihilated Matthew Sweet's thesis!

[_He, _**LATIMER, **_the boys, _**MARTHA, **_and _**JOAN **_retreat and flee the school._

**THE FAMILY **_seize the TARDIS._

_Song. _**I HEARD SOMEONE CRYING **

**SON. **WE HEARD SOMEONE CRYING**MOTHER. **(OOO . . .)

'CAUSE HE'S A SOFTY-POO

SO WE TOOK HIS TARDIS

AND THEN WHAT DID WE DO?

WE STARTED BOMBING

VILLAGES OUT OF SPITE

WE WANT THE DOCTOR'S LIFE—

COME OUT OF THE NIGHT!(OOO . . .)

[**SMITH, MARTHA, **_and _**JOAN **_find an abandoned house._

**SMITH. **Oh, good, tea, I'm parched. It's cold. Bah!

**JOAN. **sigh

**MARTHA. **YOU THINK I'M TALKING NONSENSE

BUT I LOVE THE DOCTOR TO BITS—

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA

SAY RIGHT NOW

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL

REPRESSED BRITS

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE BACK—

THE WORLD NEEDS HIM BACK!

**SMITH. **MAYBE HE'S A GOOD BLOKE, THOUGH**JOAN. **(OOO . . .)

HE CREEPS ME OUT, AND YOU WANT

ME TO DIE FOR HIM, SO—

I MUST BE TORTURED!

[**LATIMER **_comes in._

**LATIMER. **I HEARD SOMEONE CRYING

IN THIS VERY FOB.

I THINK IT WAS THE DOCTOR

SAYING, "SMITH, YOU S.O.B.!"

SOUNDED LIKE HE'S AWESOME,

THOUGH INCONSISTENT AT BEST—

I HEARD SOMEONE CRYING,

"1, 2, 3 A TEST!"

[_Merchant/Ivory film music starts playing as _**JOAN **_and _**SMITH **_make moody eyes at each other. _**MARTHA **_and _**LATIMER **_leave._ **SMITH **_and _**JOAN **_touch the watch. A series of shots show their married life together._

**SMITH and JOAN. **MAYBE I WAS DREAMING OF A FATHER'S DAY LONG AGO

MAYBE I WAS DREAMING OF A LIFE

THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW . . .

**PARODY WRITER. **Wicked costumes.

[**SMITH **_stumbles into _**THE FAMILY**_**'**__s spaceship._

**SON. **You klutz.

[_He grabs the fob watch and discovers it's . . . empty!_

**THE DOCTOR. **Suckah.

[_The ship explodes._

**SON. **IT'S CALLED POETIC IRONY **THE DOCTOR. **(Ooo …)

AND IT'S A BIG DOSE

A MORAL ABSOLUTISM

FOR THIS DOCTOR TO ENGROSS

AN IMPROVEMENT ON THE NOVEL,

OR MERELY SECOND-RATE?

YOU MUST DECIDE IT . . .

AT LEAST CORNELL GOT PAID . . . (OOO . . .)

[**THE DOCTOR **_says goodbye to _**JOAN**.

_Song. _**JOHN SMITH'S EYES (LILY'S EYES)**

**JOAN. **FROM DEATH HE CASTS HIS SPELL

HIS BRAVERY MOST PLAIN

THIS STORY IS MATURE

LIKE ME, AND SO IS PAIN . . .

YOU HAVE HIS EYES,

THIS DUDE HAS JOHN SMITH'S BIG BROWN EYES

THOSE EYES THAT FRECKLES DO SURROUND

YOU MAKE ME SICK JUST TO LOOK

HOW CAN I SEE THIS ALIEN

AND NOT MISS THOSE BIG BROWN EYES . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **I HAVE HIS EYES,

I HAVE JOHN SMITH'S BIG BROWN EYES,

AND I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS HE'D DO TO YOU

HIS EYES AND LIPS AND TEETH AND HIPS

AND OTHER THINGS BESIDES,

HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME AND NOT MISS THOSE BIG BROWN EYES . . .?

**JOAN. **YOU DISGUSTING PIG

I DON'T WANT TO

ANYTHING. NOW GO—

I'LL CRY MY WHOLE LIFE OVER YOU . . .

[_He leaves._

**JOAN. **TO BE ALIVE AND WHOLE **MARTHA. **ALIVE AND WHOLE

IN JOHN SMITH'S EYES IN THE DOCTOR'S EYES

IN JOHN SMITH'S EYES! IN THE DOCTOR'S EYES!

[_In the middle of World War I, _**LATIMER **_saves _**HUTCHINSON's **_life._

_Song. _**FINALE **

**LATIMER. **PUT ON YOUR POPPIES—

WEEP, YE BRITONS, WEEP!

IT'S A SENTIMENTAL

ENDING.

ONLY THE SEVENTH

DOCTOR IS UPSET

THIS WAS HIS

STORY, DON'T FORGET.

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_leave the Remembrance Sunday service._

Next time: "Blink" (_The Hunchback of Notre Dame_)


	9. Blink

IX. Scene three. Blink. (_The Hunchback of Notre Dame_)

All songs (Menken/Schwartz) unless otherwise indicated

[**JACK SPARROW **_the pirate is drinking a bottle of rum and talking to himself._

**JACK. **And if I ever ha' a daughter, I'm going to name her Sally.

[_Twenty years later—all time is relative?—_**SALLY SPARROW SALLY **_breaks into a dilapidated house._

_Song. _**CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS (THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME) **

**SALLY. **EVENING IN LONDON, THE CITY ASLEEP:

I'M AT CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—

I'M AN URBAN EXPLORER—I'LL TAKE A PEEP

AT THE CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.

IT SEEMS THAT I MUST BE LIVING

OFF THE DOLE, THOUGH I'M CURRENT AND CHIC

AND SOME SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT THAT THIS

EPISODE'S LIGHT ON THE DOCTOR—

IT'S CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.

[_She goes through the ruined rooms taking photographs and barely noticing the _**WEEPING ANGELS **_standing around everywhere._

**SALLY. **Old things make me feel sad, and since I'm a perkier, more pragmatic Emily the Strange, it means I like to be sad. I like talking to myself and don't think there's anything odd about angel statues, even if they have ghastly fingernails.

[_She starts peeling away wall paper._

**SALLY. **HERE'S SOMETHING NIFTY, I THINK I'LL PURSUE

THIS IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.

"HEY, SALLY SPARROW, I'M TALKING TO YOU,

IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.

BEWARE OF THE WEEPING ANGELS,"

SAYS THE DOCTOR, "LOVE, 1969,"

AND THERE IS MORE AS THIS

SHADOW ON THE FLOOR CLOSES IN—

IN THE CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—

**WEEPING ANGELS. **ANOTHER PARODY!

[**SALLY **_spins around, doesn't see the _**ANGELS **_moving, and resumes reading the message._

**SALLY. **"Duck! . . . Duck . . . duck . . . duck . . . goose"?

[_A stone goose flies past _**SALLY **_and breaks against the wall. _

_Woken up by her phone ringing, _**KATHY NIGHTINGALE **_rolls out of bed. _**SALLY **_is on the phone._

**SALLY. **I FOUND IT! AN

EMPTY HOUSE TO

HIDE AWAY.

**KATHY. **WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?

**SALLY. **I'M IN YOUR HOUSE, I'M

MAKING TEA,

IS THAT OKAY?

[_Downstairs _**KATHY**_'s brother _**LARRY **_walks in on _**SALLY.**

**SALLY. **DIES IRAE, DIES ILLA . . .

[**KATHY **_runs in._

**KATHY. **(_to _**LARRY**) SEE THERE THE INNOCENT EYES YOU HAVE SINNED,

BACK FROM WESTER DRUMLINS?

NOW I'VE GOT TO ESTABLISH YOU'RE KIN—

**LARRY. **WHAT IS THIS WESTER DRUMLINS?

**KATHY. **STEVEN MOFFAT LOVES WITTY WORDPLAY—

THE ONLY GRACE THAT SAVED THIS SHOW— (_holds up a DVD of _Jekyll)

BUT WE'RE YOUNG AND WE'RE CHARMING AGAINST

THE ALARMING SCARE—

THE SCARE OF WESTER DRUMLINS.

**LARRY. **DUDE, WHATEVER YOU SAY!

[_The next day, _**KATHY **_and _**SALLY **_go back to Wester Drumlins._

**SALLY. **NOW HERE IS A RIDDLE TO GUESS AS YOU FROWN,

WHILE IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—

WHY DO THE BRITISH HAVE THESE ALL AROUND? (_motions to angel statues)_

IN CREEPY, CREEPY, CREEPY, CREEPY

CREEPY, CREEPY (**KATHY **_checks her watch)_

CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.

[**KATHY **_and _**SALLY **_explore._

**KATHY. **Where is that _Psycho _music coming from?

[_The doorbell rings. _**SALLY **_goes to answer it. She opens the door._

_Song. _**FREAKY GUY (OUT THERE)**

**SALLY. **AND WHO ARE YOU?

**GRANDSON. **JUST SLIGHTLY FREAKY

GUY WHO'S TOLD TO GIVE YOU THESE LETTERS

FROM A FRIEND.

MY GRANDMA, KATHY NIGHTINGALE—

NOW YOU LOOK UPON ME WITH FEAR.

**SALLY. **Um, you're insane, go away. But leave those letters.

[_She runs upstairs. _**KATHY **_is gone. There are three _**WEEPING ANGELS, **_one holding a Yale key._

**SALLY. **I SUSPECT

THAT THIS IS VITAL—

[**SALLY **_leaves and reads the letter._

_Song. _**PLOT OF MIRACLES (THE COURT OF MIRACLES)**

**KATHY. **(_in the letter_) MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF A TERRIBLE PLACE

WHERE NOTHING EVER

HAPPENS AT ALL—

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF A BORING OLD PLACE

IN 1920—

HELLO, IT'S HULL!

YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE

AND THOUGH THERE'S NOT MUCH SENSE

MOFFAT CAN ACHIEVE;

SUSPEND DISBELIEF,

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, PLEASE!

[**SALLY **_takes out _**KATHY**_'s wedding photo._

**KATHY. **I GOT TO WEAR PRETTY PERIOD COSTUMES

THOUGH WORLD WAR TWO WAS REALLY DISMAL—

SALLY, IN THIS PLOT OF MIRACLES,

WOULD YOU GO TALK TO MY BRO?

[**SALLY **_goes to the DVD shop where _**LARRY **_works. _**LARRY **_is watching a strange DVD._

**SALLY. **That's not porn, is it?

**LARRY. **Why would a guy in glasses talking to a screen be porn?

**PARODY WRITER. **Well . . .

**LARRY. **SALLY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PLOT OF MIRACLES—

A MODERN DVD EASTER EGG—

HERE IS THE LIST OF THE DVDS HE'S ON—

**SALLY. **JESUS, YOU MUST BE PULLING MY LEG!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_in the Easter egg_) I can hear you.

**SALLY. **No, you can't.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yes, I can.

**SALLY. **Can't! Can't! Can't!

**THE DOCTOR. **Blast, this wasn't in the transcript!

[**STEVEN MOFFAT **_screams and tears out his hair._

**LARRY. **WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME

ABOUT MY SISTER, SALLY?

**SALLY. **ER, NOTHING AT ALL!

[_She leaves and goes to the police station. There she meets _**DI BILLY SHIPTON.**

_Song. _**A GIRL LIKE YOU (A GUY LIKE YOU)**

**BILLY. **A GIRL LIKE YOU

IS HOT, AS AM I—

A GIRL LIKE YOU

A GUY DOES NOT MEET EV'RY DAY—

THOUGH YOUR COAT

IS FROM OXFAM, I

TELL YOU TRUE

LIFE IS SHORT.

[_He takes her to a car park where there are dozens of cars and the TARDIS._

**SALLY. **A BLUE PHONE BOX—

**BILLY. **FROM EV'RY ANGLE—

**SALLY. **WHY'S IT HERE,

WHAT DOES IT DO?

**BILLY. **YOU'RE A FOX—

I'D LIKE TO TANGLE

IN YOUR SWEET HAIR—

**SALLY. **NOW STOP RIGHT THERE!

**BILLY. **A GIRL LIKE YOU.

**SALLY. **A GUY LIKE YOU

IS RATHER INTRIGUING

SO YOU WILL GET

MY NUMBER, MAYBE MORE . . .

[_She leaves._

**BILLY. **OH NO, THESE STATUES

ARE ME BESIEGING . . .

[_The _**ANGELS **_surround him and send him back to 1969._

**THE DOCTOR. **IT REALLY STINKS—

**MARTHA. **OH, YOU THINK?

**BILLY. **FOR SURE!

Where'd the beautiful babe go?

**THE DOCTOR. **Billy, this doesn't make sense, even to me—

**MARTHA. **Just go with it.

[_In 2007 _**SALLY **_gets a call from _**BILLY.**

**SALLY. **In the hospital? How kinky!

[**BILLY **_is now an old man._

**BILLY. **YOU WILL GAPE

IF I EXPLAIN THIS—

BUT SALLY, GIRL,

WE'VE GOT TO BE POIGNANT!

**SALLY. **PIECE OF CAKE—

I'LL SAY IT PLAIN, THIS

ROLE IS GREAT—

**BILLY. **YOU ENTERTAIN,

A GIRL LIKE YOU.

[**BILLY **_dies. _**SALLY **_ponders the Yale key, the DVD list, and goes to _**LARRY. **_They watch _**THE DOCTOR**_'s message on DVD in Wester Drumlins._

_Song. _**TIMEY WIMEY (HELL FIRE)**

**THE DOCTOR. **HI, THERE, SALLY, LARRY,

I'M BARELY IN THIS EPISODE

BUT MY PRESENCE, IT IS QUITE COOL.

**LARRY. **I'M GONNA ADD THIS TO THE TRANSCRIPT . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **SALLY AND LARRY

QUANTUM LOCKS MAKE YOUR HEADS IMPLODE—

THE ANGELS HAVE THE PHONE BOX, AS A RULE . . .

**LARRY. **LET'S GET A T-SHIRT WITH THAT ON IT . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT DON'T BLINK, DON'T BLINK—

THE TERROR-STRICKEN CHILDREN THERE—

THEIR SMOLD'RING EYES WILL SCORCH YOUR SOUL!

YOU FEEL THEM, YOU SEE THEM

WE'VE GOT ATMOSPHERE TO SPARE—

THE NARRATIVE IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!

TIMEY-WIMEY

WIBBLY-WOBBLY

LASHY-CRASHY STUFF—

BOUNCY-WOUNCY

FLIPPY-DIPPY-

HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?

[_The recording of _**THE DOCTOR **_ends, and _**LARRY **_and _**SALLY **_are surrounded by _**ANGELS.**

**SALLY. **(_doing her best Sarah Brightman impression_) To the cellar! We'll be safe there!

[_They find the TARDIS but the _**ANGELS **_cause the lights to flicker._

**LARRY. **What were you saying about being SAFE?!

**PARODY WRITER. **I can't really improve upon the next sequence, so you're better off just watching it and then coming back for our rousing finale.

[**SALLY **_and _**LARRY, **_a year later, own a DVD shop together._

**PARODY WRITER. **Sparrow and Nightingale, get it? Oy.

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MARTHA **_walk by._

**SALLY. **Hey, that's the Doctor.

**MARTHA **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**). What are we hunting again?

**THE DOCTOR. **For a new audience, that will be sucked in by the sheer awesomeness of this episode.

**MARTHA. **That girl is staring at you. So is that statue.

**SALLY. **Here, take this—it'll all make sense later.

[_She hands him the folder of all her documentation._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm sure it won't, but thanks.

[_He and _**MARTHA **_walk off._

_Song. _**BLINK (THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME REPRISE)**

**SALLY. **SO HERE IS A RIDDLE TO GUESS—IT'S A SHTICK—

AFTER THE AFFAIR OF WESTER DRUMLINS.

WHO IS THE HERO AND WHO THE SIDEKICK?

**LARRY. **OUT AT DRUMLINS, DRUMLINS, DRUMLINS . . .

**SALLY. **WHATEVER YOUR FANCY, YOU

CAN FEEL THEM ENTRANCE YOU,

THE FEAR AND THE DARING PLOT WINKS,

IN THIS

**BOTH. **EPISODE CALLED "BLINK"!

[_They walk off into the sunset together. Frightening images of statues haunt the children of Britain for days._

Next time: "Utopia"/ "The Sound of Drums"/ "Last of the Time Lords" (_Les Misérables_)


	10. UtopiaSODTLOTTL

X. Scene Four. Utopia/The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords (_Les Miserables_)

All songs (Boubil/Schönberg/Kretzmer) unless otherwise indicated.

[_The _**TARDIS **_lands in Cardiff. _**JACK HARKNESS **_runs toward it._

_Song. _**LOVELY DOCTOR (LOVELY LADIES)**

**JACK. **I SMELL DOCTOR,

SMELL 'IM IN THE AIR—

[_In the TARDIS, _**THE DOCTOR **_refuels._

**THE DOCTOR. **THINK I'LL REFUEL A LITTLE

IN THIS PROLOGUE—

**MARTHA. **DO I DARE

ASK WHERE WE ARE?

**THE DOCTOR. **CARDIFF IN A PINCH—(_looks at the view screen, sees _**JACK**)

REMIND YOU OF SEASON ONE,

THEN WE'RE OFF IN A CINCH.

[_He takes off; _**JACK **_leaps to grab the TARDIS._

**JACK. **DOC-TOOOOOOR! THE ROUGH RIDE IS A BI . . .

[_He is drowned out as they hurtle toward the end of the universe. They land and exit the TARDIS._

**THE DOCTOR. **The year one trillion.

**MARTHA. **Now you're just showin' off. Looks like a Welsh quarry to me.

LOVELY DOCTOR,

I'M WAITING FOR A BITE—(_sees _**JACK **_apparently dead_)

HOLD ON, WHO IS THIS BLOKE

WHO LOOKS DEAD IN THE NIGHT?

[_She bends down to give him CPR._

**THE DOCTOR. **I wouldn't . . . Martha, you don't know where that mouth's been . . .

[**JACK **_wakes up._

**MARTHA. **My God, I'm getting this all wrong? _You're _supposed to be the resurrectionist!

**JACK. **LOVELY LADY,

NICE TO KISS YOUR HAND—

**THE DOCTOR. **QUIT IT, JACK, YOU'RE SUCH A PRAT!

**JACK. **YOU'RE JEALOUS!

**MARTHA. **CAN YOU STAND?

[_She helps him up._

**JACK. **YOU'VE GOT ME PRETTY WELL UNMANNED!

(to **THE DOCTOR**) ARE YOU SURPRISED

TO SEE ME ALIVE AFTER SATELLITE FIVE?

ALIVE AND WELL?

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU'RE SWELL, ER, LOOKING QUITE GOOD.

**JACK. **YOU ABANDONED ME!

**MARTHA. **WHAT'S ALL THIS? I ADMIT THE TWO OF YOU TURN ME ON.

**JACK. **AND WHAT OF ROSE?

**MARTHA. **I'M SICK OF ROSE . . .

**JACK. **THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

**THE DOCTOR. **ER, SHE'S OKAY . . .

NOW IT'S MY JOB

TO MAKE THIS EXCHANGE SOME SORT OF BLOG!

[_They all start walking and find a dead city._

**THE DOCTOR. **We're so far out even the stars have burnt out.

**MARTHA. **Okay, but where's the light coming from?

**JACK. **Wherever the music's coming from.

[_A rock soundtrack plays as the _**FUTUREKIND **_bare their sharpened teeth._

_Song. _**LOOK EIGHTIES (WORK SONG) **

**FUTUREKIND. **LOOK EIGHTIES, LOOK EIGHTIES,

LIKE _MAD MAX _GONE TO POT,

LOOK EIGHTIES, LOOK EIGHTIES,

WE'RE OUT TO SCARE YOUR SNOT!

[_They all begin to roar. A hapless human starts running away from them. They pursue._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh look. Someone escaped from _28 Days Later._

**JACK. **I desperately want to shoot something.

**THE DOCTOR. **Down, boy.

[_They start running after the human to the gates of a compound._

**JACK. **I missed this!

**MARTHA. **You must really be a masochist!

[_The human, _**JACK, THE DOCTOR, **_and _**MARTHA **_make it into the compound._

**THE DOCTOR. **What's going on?

[**PROFESSOR YANA **_and his assistant _**CHANTHO **_appear._

(Page/Plant)

**YANA. **AND WE'RE BUILDING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey, wait a second. You're dressed just like I was, about eight hundred years ago.

**YANA. **Whaa? I'm an Actor—come help me with the rocket!

**CHANTHO. **Chan1LOVELY PEOPLE

EVEN YOU WHO BEARS A HAND (_as _**JACK **_pulls out _**THE DOCTOR**_'s severed hand_)

I'M KINDA A SEXY BUG—tho

**JACK. **MORE SO THAN I'D PLANNED!

LOVELY CHANTHO—

MARTHA—DOCTOR—WOW!

WE COULD HAVE AN ORGY--!

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, YOU, STOP IT NOW!

[**THE DOCTOR **_and _**JACK **_go to help _**YANA**.

_Song. _**HAPPY TO SERVE/ SKY OF DIAMONDS (A HEART FULL OF LOVE) **

**MARTHA. **A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

ONE ALL SEASON LONG—

I'M DOING EVERYTHING ALL WRONG!

**CHANTHO. **CHAN I DOUBT IT THO

**MARTHA. **THAT'S CUTE, NOT DUMB, YOU KNOW?

(_of _**YANA**) WHAT DO YOU SAY,

IS HE GAY?

**CHANTHO. **Chan A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

THOUGH HAPPY JUST TO SERVE tho . . .

**MARTHA. **DON'T YOU GET TIRED OF BEING TRAGIC?

**CHANTHO. **Chan IT'S A BIT ABSURD tho!

[_A young boy, _**CREET, **_walks by _**MARTHA **_on the way to the rocket._

**MARTHA. **HEY, LET'S BOND WITH THIS GUY!

**CREET. **DID YOU KNOW THE SKY

IS ALL DIAMONDS? DON'T ASK WHY . . .

(Lennon/McCartney)

**MARTHA. **LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS—

[_Meanwhile, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**YANA **_brainstorm._

**THE DOCTOR. **And who would have thunk, using food particles to connect everything!

**YANA. **I agree it's messy, but sometimes if you're hungry and you'd like an Aero . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Ah, but I'm gluten intolerant. Can't eat that bit there.

[**JACK **_runs in._

**JACK. **A Futurekind infiltrator has sabotaged the radiation room, and I'm the only one who can go in there!

**THE DOCTOR. **Hmm, a useless dangerous situation—brings to mind "The End of the World."

**YANA. **It's all derivative—there's "Logopolis," "Frontios," "Full Circle," and "Survival" in here too.

**PARODY WRITER. **Yes, but I love this episode, dammit!

**JACK. **Guys!! I wanna strip!

**THE DOCTOR. **Needlessly?

**JACK. **Of course!

[_"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays as _**JACK **_strips. He runs into the radiation room as _**THE DOCTOR **_smoulderingly puts his face against the window._

**LOVELY DOCTOR, **Cont'd.

**JACK. **LOVELY DOCTOR—

MAXING OUT SUBTEXT—

IT'S REALLY EXPOSITION

BUT THIS SCENE'S STILL SCREAMIN' SEX.

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT YOU'RE FRIGHTENING,

THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU THE BOOT,

AND NEVER CAME TO RESCUE YOU,

MY LOVELY YANKEE FRUIT.

**JACK. **Does it make you jealous I was watching Rose growing up on the estate in the '90s?

**THE DOCTOR. **It rather creeps me out, actually.

[**YANA, CHANTHO, **_and _**MARTHA**.

_Song. _**ALWAYS LATE (VALJEAN ARRESTED) **

**MARTHA. **TELL ME QUICKLY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY—

**YANA. **THERE'S THIS DRUMMING IN MY HEAD

AND INSTEAD OF BEING KINDLY,

YOU'LL WISH YOU'D SHOT ME DEAD.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND EVER WAS

LATE AND LOST AND SO

I WILL HAND YOU NOW MY FOB WATCH—

**MARTHA. **ALL I CAN SAY IS WHOA!

**FOBWATCH. **TIME LORDS, REGENERATION . . .

MURRAY GOLD HAS GOT IT MADE.

**MARTHA. **I'D BETTER, ER, GET OUT OF HERE . . .

**YANA. **OKAY, I'VE GOT A MIGRAINE . . .

[**MARTHA **_runs to tell _**THE DOCTOR **_of her suspicions as the _**FUTUREKIND **_break in and _**YANA **_opens his watch as the rocket launches._

_Song. _**CONFRONTATION**

**THE DOCTOR. **YANA! AT LAST!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[**YANA **_seals himself in._

**YANA. **YOU STUPID BUG—

YOU REALLY MAKE ME GROAN . . .

**CHANTHO. **Chan BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART IN TWO,

BEFORE YOU MURDER ME SENSELESSLY,

YOU'D BETTER GIVE THEM SATISFACTION THO:

**YANA. **I AM THE MASTER MUHAHAHAHAHA!

[_He electrocutes her. As her dying act, she shoots him. He stumbles into the TARDIS, taking _**THE DOCTOR**_'s hand._

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE IS NONE BUT ME CAN INTERCEDE—

IN MERCY'S NAME, DON'T TAKE MY TARDIS, PLEASE!

[_In the TARDIS, _**THE MASTER **_regenerates._

**THE DOCTOR. THE MASTER. **

BELIEVE OF ME WHAT YOU WILLMEN LIKE US CAN ALWAYS CHANGE

WE'RE THE LAST SO LET'S JUST BE CALM!MEN LIKE US CAN ALWAYS CHANGE

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY LIFE--I WANT TO BE PRETTY

AND FETCHING LIKE YOU!

ALL I DID WAS FLASH A SMILEYOU HAVE NO RIGHT!

AND IF I CAPTURED FANDOM'S HEARTS-- COME WITH ME, TARDIS,

WITH YOU I THINK IT TAKES AWHILE

TO REALIZE YOU'RE A RUBBISH HAM!NOW THE WHEEL HAS TURNED AROUND

I'M EVERYTHING THE AUDIENCE WANTS!

I AM WARNING YOU, MASTERDARE YOU TALK TO ME OF TIME?

I'M THE BETTER ACTOR BY FAR--I KNOW THE '70S VERY WELL

THERE ARE RATINGS IN ME YET--EV'RY SHOW IS BORN IN CAMP,

I'M STILL TOM BAKER'S HEIR. EV'RY SONG MUST CHOOSE ITS RHYME.

I AM WARNING YOU, JOHN SIMM, YOU KNOW NOTHING OF DRAMA,

IF I HAVE TO PUT ON MY GLASSES ALL YOU'VE DONE IS _CASANOVA, _

I'LL DO WHAT MUST BE DONE! I LOOK DOWN ON SCUM LIKE YOU,

I WILL STEAL RATINGS FROM YOU!

**THE MASTER. **Suckah!

[_He leaves _**THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, **_and _**JACK **_prey to the _**FUTUREKIND.**

**FANS. **The sonic screwdriver does everything!

[**MARTHA, JACK, **_and _**THE DOCTOR, **use the vortex manipulator to materialize in a London alleyway.

_Song. _**AT THE END OF THE DAY**

**PEOPLE. **AT THE END OF THE DAY, WE ALL VOTED SAXON

BECAUSE HE WAS CHEEKY AND WE LIKED HOW HE LOOKED.

HE'S ON TV AND HE'S NEAT—

**MARTHA. **THAT VOICE SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR—

[_In 10 Downing Street, _**SAXON--THE MASTER—**_directs _**TISH.**

**TISH. **ONE MORE DAY STANDING ABOUT—

**SAXON. **ISN'T SHE SWEET?

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, HE ISN'T _THAT_ CROOKED! . . . Is he?

[_They see _**SAXON **_on TV as the new Prime Minister._

**THE DOCTOR. **AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU HUMANS ARE LOOPY

AND YOU BRITS ARE AT FAULT HERE MORE THAN MOST—

**MARTHA. **HEY, THE RIGHTEOUS HURRY PAST—

**THE DOCTOR. **THE SLITHEEN PUT INTO POWER—

**JACK. **WE'RE LOSING THE PLOT THREAD FAST!

**THE DOCTOR. **IS THAT A GHOST?

**MARTHA. **NO, THAT'S HIS MISSUS.

[**SAXON **_puts his cabinet into "seclusion."_

**SAXON. **AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE STINKING TRAITORS

AND I'M PUTTING THIS GAS MASK ON JUST TO LOOK COOL

**POLITICIAN. **WE'RE BRITISH STIFF UPPER LIP—

**SAXON. **YOU'RE ABOUT TO BREAK ANY SECOND—

**POLITICIAN. **WE DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR QUIPS!

**SAXON. **YOUR RECKONING'S STILL TO BE RECKONED

THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY

AT THE END OF THE DAY!

[_He gives them the thumbs up as he gases them all and taps out the drums rhythm._

_In another room, _**VIVIEN ROOK **_interviews _**LUCY SAXON**.

**ROOK. **AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY THINK YOUR HEAD'S EMPTY—

**LUCY. **AND YOU'RE A STEREOTYPE FROM MILES AWAY,

**ROOK. **THESE PICTURES ALL ARE FAKE,

THERE WAS NO HARRY SAXON

YESTERDAY.

**LUCY. **BUT I'M COUNTING MY BLESSINGS.

[**SAXON **_walks in._

**SAXON. **AH, MRS ROOK YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE

HER NAME WAS HARRIET; SHE DIDN'T LAST LONG.

NOW MEET MY FRIENDS THE TOCLAFANE

AS I FINISH THIS SONG.

[_The _**TOCLAFANE **_kill _**ROOK.**

_At _**MARTHA**_'s flat, _**JACK **_makes tea._

**PARODY WRITER. **Very sensible.

**MARTHA. **AT THE END OF THE DAY, HE MADE YOU FEEL HAPPY,

**JACK. **LIKE A QUART OF JACK DANIELS TO LAST YOU THE WEEK.

**THE DOCTOR. **HE CONTROLS YOUR MOBILE PHONES,

YOU'RE REALLY A BUNCH OF IDIOTS, AREN'T YOU?

**SAXON. **_(on TV) _I GIVE OFF PHEROMONES

AS I BLOW UP THE FOLKS WHO

MIGHT GET IN MY WAY . . .

[**MARTHA, JACK, **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_flee the flat just as her TV blows up._

**SAXON. **AT THE END OF THE DAY.

**MARTHA. **I'm checking on my family.

**THE DOCTOR. **Marfa, don't.

**MARTHA. **You parochial, sexist alien pig.

[**FRANCINE **_picks up._

**FRANCINE. **WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE, LITTLE INNOCENT MARTHA?

**CLIVE. **COME ON, FRANCINE, LET'S HAVE ALL THE NEWS.

**FRANCINE. **MARTHA, COME HOME NOW, WE'RE NOT SINISTER, THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.

**CLIVE. **GIVE THAT MOBILE TO ME,

MARTHA, GET GOING!

[_He's cut off as _**MARTHA**'_s family is captured. There's an exciting chase scene._

**LEO. **MARTHA, WHAT'S ALL THIS FIGHTING ABOUT?

**MARTHA. **WILL SOMEONE HELP ME OUT?

**SAXON. **OH, SURE, I WILL, MARTHA . . .

[_She hands the phone over to _**THE DOCTOR**.

_Song. _**PHONE CALL (WALTZ OF TREACHERY)**

**PARODY WRITER. **WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO SAY?

NEVER THOUGHT THAT I'D SEE THE DAY

THAT THE DOC AND MASTER, AS WELL

CONFRONTED EACH OTHER VIA A CELL . . .

**SAXON. **DOCTOR, PLEASE, SAY MY NAME—

TO NOT AMP UP THE STEAM'D BE A SHAME.

**THE DOCTOR. **DOCTOR HERE—LIKE YOUR SUIT,

TOO BAD OUR HOME PLANET'S GONE KAPUT!

**SAXON. **THAT CAN'T BE—YOU'RE A LIAR!

THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY, DOCTOR, YOU SET ME ON FIRE!

LIKE THE SUNS OF GALLIFREY, ON FIRE!

**THE DOCTOR. **ONE THING MORE, ONE SMALL DOUBT,

OI, THE TOCLAFANE—WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

**SAXON.** NO OFFENSE—TELL YOUR CHUMS

THAT YOU ARE ALL FUGITIVES ON THE RUN!

[_He hangs up and watches Teletubbies._

**THE DOCTOR. **He says, Jack, that your team is in the Himalayas.

**JACK. **Oh dammit, Gwen's wearing a snow parka and I'm missing it! On second thought—Ianto's probably wearing a big woolly jumper—pass!

**THE DOCTOR. **Er. Let's get chips.

[_They eat chips in an abandoned building._

**MARTHA. **The viewers demand exposition, Doctor.

**JACK. **The ones who haven't been paying attention for the last forty years don't know about the Master.

**MARTHA. **And the ones who have want to see Gallifrey!

_Song. _**DREAM OF GALLIFREY (CASTLE ON A CLOUD)**

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE IS A SCHISM IN A VOID

WE LIKE TO STAND THERE WHEN WE'RE EIGHT

WHY WE DO THIS, I COULDN'T SAY—

NOT IN THIS VOID IN GALLIFREY.

THE MASTER LOOKED IN IT, IT MADE HIM MAD—

AT LEAST THAT'S THERE TO MAKE SOME SENSE.

THE VILLAINS MUST HAVE REASON, NOT MALICE—

EVEN TIME LORDS IN GALLIFREY.

[_As he sings this, there's a flashback to the Citadel, pretty Time Lord costumes, etc._

**FANS. **Whogasm!

**THE DOCTOR. **By Jove, I've got it! The Master's using the Archangel Network to transmit a brainwashing rhythm to get everyone to vote for him. I'll add a perception filter to those TARDIS keys so we can spy. Do you two fancy me?

**MARTHA **_and _**JACK. **Yes.

**THE DOCTOR. **Too bad! I can't see it!

[**SAXON **_greets the American _**PRESIDENT.**

_Song. _**MASTER OF . . . WELL, EVERYTHING (MASTER OF THE HOUSE)**

**SAXON. **WELCOME, M'SIEUR

WON'T YOU HAVE TEA?

REALLY I THINK

YOU'RE TOO AMERICAN FOR ME.

**PRESIDENT. **YOU'RE AN INSANE

NUTTY RETARD.

I'LL MAKE FIRST CONTACT!

**SAXON. **OH, HOIST YOUR PETARD!

[**PRESIDENT **_boards Air Force One._

**SAXON. **SELDOM DO YOU SEE

WELL-DRESSED MEN LIKE ME:

A FLASH OF PERTWEE CAPE—

I'M CONTENT TO BE . . .

[**THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, **_and _**JACK **_teleport to the ship _Valiant _and inside the TARDIS._

**JACK. **He's cannibalized it. A Paradox Machine.

**THE DOCTOR. **Bloody pirate!

[_The _**TOCLAFANE **_appear._

**SAXON. **. . . MASTER OF THE LAND,

MASTER OF IT ALL!

DERANGED, INDEBTED TO

ERIC ROBERTS—FULL

OF KOOKY LINES

AND DEADLY STRIKES (_he has the _**TOCLAFANE **_kill the _**PRESIDENT****JACK **_rushes to intercede_)

HOW, 'BOUT THAT JACK? I CAN

KILL YOU AS OFTEN AS I LIKE!

[**JACK **_falls._

GLAD TO DO A FRIEND A FAVOR,

DOESN'T COST ME TO BE NICE—

I'VE A LASER SCREWDRIVER—

LET'S PUT THE DOC ON ICE!

[_He ages _**THE DOCTOR **_a hundred years._

**MARTHA. **You just did that so Makeup could show off.

**SAXON. **For that, Martha Jones, I'm going to tell the Toclafane to decimate Earth's population.

[_He does. _**JACK **_hands the vortex manipulator to _**MARTHA.**

**MARTHA. **(_with her best Austrian accent_) I'll be back.

[_People in the audience who have fallen asleep are prodded awake by _**PARODY WRITER. **_Someone holds up a hastily-written sign that says _1 Year Later.

**MARTHA **_lands on a rugged shore._

_Song. _**ON MY OWN **

**MARTHA. **AND NOW I'M ALL ALONE AGAIN,

I'M WEARING POST-APOCALYPTIC

GEAR. GONE IS SEXY MARTHA—

NOW I'M MERELY SORT OF CRYPTIC.

AND NOW THERE'S AN OPENING FOR

FAN FICTION, AND WHAT'S MORE—

Who are you?

**MILLIGAN. **Tom Milligan, doctor-turned-freedom-fighter, conveniently single and fit. Is it true you walked across America?

(Seeger)

**MARTHA. **THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS MY LAND

FROM CALIFORNIA, TO THE NEW YORK ISLAND—

**MILLIGAN. **'Kay.

**MARTHA. **SOMETIMES I WALK ALONE AT NIGHT AS THE WARSHIPS ARE BUILDING

I THINK OF HIM AND THEN I'M HAPPY WITH THE EXPOSITION I'M WIELDING.

THE MASTER WAGES WAR

AND I THINK ABOUT POOR . . . me.

ON MY OWN

PRETENDING THAT I'M EPIC.

ALL ALONE—

**MILLIGAN. **_I _THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SCORCHIN'.

**MARTHA. **Shut up.

**MILLIGAN. **Yes, ma'am.

[_On the _Valiant, **LUCY **_is waxen, _**THE DOCTOR **_lives in a kennel, the _**JONESES **_are hired help, and _**JACK **_is cheerfully tortured._

_Song. _**BEGGARS AT THE FEAST **

**THE MASTER. **AIN'T IT LAUGH,

AIN'T IT A SPADE?

MARTHA'S RELATIVES ARE

DRESSED UP LIKE FRENCH MAIDS?

THE DOCTOR'S A STIFF,

CATATONIC BORE.

JACK'S LOOKING OLDER,

THE TOCLAFANE SOAR.

EARTH IS AT MY FEET,

EARTH IS IN THE DUST—

AND HERE'S A SAD ATTEMPT

TO KNOCK ME ON MY DUFF . . .

[**THE JONESES, JACK, **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_try to escape._

**THE MASTER. **You know, stealing someone's screwdriver can be considered foreplay.

**THE DOCTOR. **Just—no.

**THE MASTER. **Martha Jones, I hope you're watching telly.

[_He suspends _**THE DOCTOR**_'s capacity to regenerate, turning him into . . ._

**THE MASTER. **Dobby!

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **I'm sorry! I'd run out of good ideas by this point!

[**MARTHA, MILLIGAN **_follow _**ALISON DOCHERTY **_to her lab._

_Song. _**DOG EATS DOG.**

**MARTHA. **HERE'S A TOCLAFANE

UGLY LITTLE THING

WE HAD BETTER OPEN IT,

SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.

[_They open it. It's a cannibalized human._

**TOCLAFANE. **THANK YOU, MISS, I'M IN YOUR DEBT.

I'M JUST A TOY

THOUGH I WAS ONCE A BOY

WHO THOUGHT THE SKY

WAS FULL OF DIAMONDS—

HAVE I REPULSED YOU YET?

[**MILLIGAN **_shoots it._

**MARTHA. **Paradox upon paradox. And you thought _The Gallifrey Chronicles _was bad.

**DOCHERTY. **WELL, SOMEONE'S GOT TO CLEAN THEM UP, MY FRIENDS.

**MARTHA. **WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE

MY TIME-LORD-KILLING GUN?

I JUST NEED ONE MORE CHEMICAL—

**DOCHERTY. **GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, HAVE FUN.

[**MARTHA **_and _**MILLIGAN **_leave._

**DOCHERTY. **(_as she dials the Archangel Network_) IT'S A WORLD

WHERE THE DOGS EAT THE DOGS . . .

[_In London, _**MARTHA **_hangs out with refugees._

_Song. _**BRING HIM HOME **

**MARTHA. **LONDONERS

HEAR MY PRAYER

AS I PREACH

I HOPE YOU'LL BE THERE.

HE IS OLD,

BUT HE'S MY GOD.

I LOVE HIM,

THROUGH THICK AND THIN.

BRING HIM HOME,

BRING HIM HOME,

BRING HIM HOME . . .

[**THE MASTER **_calls her out into the street, where he kills _**MILLIGAN **_and destroys her gun. He takes her aboard the _Valiant.

**MARTHA. **YOU'RE STUPID IF YOU THINK THAT THAT'S

ALL I'VE GOT. I'M SPIRITUAL, MAN.

HE'S PETER PAN,

HE'S FLIPPIN' CHRIST—

AND DON'T YOU THINK

IT'S TIME TO FLY?

**THE DOCTOR. **I AM OLD,

BUT I WON'T DIE!

[_Somehow—psycho-kinetic energy from the Archangel Network, or some such--_**THE DOCTOR **_flies, glows, and returns to his youthful appearance. Everyone rounds on _**THE MASTER.**

**THE DOCTOR. **LET HIM BE,

I FORGIVE!

[**JACK **_destroys the Paradox Machine, the _**TOCLAFANE **_disappear, time reverses, and the only ones who remember the events of the last year are those on the _Valiant.

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **Deus ex machina, suckaz!

[**LUCY **_shoots _**THE MASTER. THE DOCTOR **_catches him._

_Song. _**FINALE **

**THE MASTER. **NOW YOU ARE HERE

AGAIN BESIDE ME.

NOW I CAN DIE IN PERVERSITY;

HOW 'BOUT THAT, I WIN!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU WILL LIVE, MASTER, YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE!

REGENERATE, DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

[**THE MASTER **_dies. _**THE DOCTOR **_cries. In Cardiff . . . _

**JACK. **I WILL STAY

IN CARDIFF 'CAUSE I LIKE IT.

BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW,

THOUGH I WON'T KICK THE BUCKET,

THEY CALLED ME ONCE

THE FACE OF BOE . . .

[_In the TARDIS . . . _

**MARTHA. **THIS IS ME,

THOUGH YOU'VE LED ME TO SALVATION,

KEEP YOUR LOVE—

I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR BLINDNESS.

AND REMEMBER

THE TRUTH THAT ONCE WAS SPOKEN . . .

A MOBILE GIVEN TO THE DOCTOR

IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD . . .

[_The entire cast of the whole musical, writers and guest stars included, crowd onto the stage and sing._

**ALL. **WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR TV SHOW,

WHO WILL SUSPEND HIS DISBELIEF?

SOMEWHERE BEYOND IN SPACE YOU KNOW

YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US, SO IN BRIEF:

DO YOU HEAR THE TARDIS WHEEZE,

SAY, DO YOU HEAR THE CONSTANT DRUMS?

IT IS THE FUTURE THAT THEY BRING

WHEN TOMORROW COMES . . .

AHHH . . .

IN SEASON FOUR!!

[_The bow of the _Titanic _ostensibly slams into the TARDIS._

**THE DOCTOR. **Not bloody again!

[_Curtain. See you next year._

THE END!

1 In order to preserve syllable count for the rhythm in the songs, when Chantho sings Chan or Tho, it's uppercase, and when it's in lowercase, she speaks it really quickly with minimum disruption to the rhythm. That's what I tell myself, anyway.


End file.
